Almost Finished Project (for deactivation)

Ramblings of a muddled mind; Cries of a weary heart

It’s been an our and a half now but, I can only manage to write a few sentences before I replace them with new lines and then erase them after a paragraph or so. It’s really weird when I know I have so much to write but few words come out. Could it be that I am blocking my thoughts and suppressing my emotions or am I just off today, or more like for weeks now. My efforts of filling this site with thoughts have only gotten me so far. Those crap I’ve placed here and this one as well.

Forgive my babbling. I’ve only realized recently that I’ve only been babbling ever since. When I’m excited, when I’m sad, frustrated, annoyed, and those emo stuff that comes and goes every so often. i never thought of being so emotional, for I’ve always considered myself the thinking type and not the feeling type. But unfortunately, I’ve somehow changed. And I can’t really say I like it. It’s not nice to be so sensitive and melodramatic over stuff (now, I’m feeling a surge of bitterness and a bit of anger, I hope it doesn’t consume me…) that you have no control over. It’s just a waste of time and energy. It’s sad. I mean, being like than when there really isn’t any need. Peace of mind is what we need.

(I’m not making any sense, am I? At least that feeling of bitterness has subsided a bit. I wonder what’s next.) Okay, I never really had a chance to let my thoughts and emotions out. And keeping them all bottled up is the last thing I’d want to do.

How fragmented can I get? Having all these bad days can really get to you, you know. Just when you think you’re over something, some other things just keep tying you to it that you wouldn’t know how to deal with them because you thought that you’ve dealt with it but apparently you haven’t. Never mind.

Are some things really better kept unsaid? It’s kind of a playing-it-safe thought. Now that I’m on the rougher side of life, I’ve become the gambling type. I also can’t say that I like it.

I’ve lied a couple of times, but when I say I’m telling the truth, I am. I’m no deceitful guy. And I’ve always been open.

I used to think I know what makes me happy? I used to think I know what’s most important to me. But lately I’ve been feeling so lost and down. And I don’t know how to get up, partly because I’ve secluded myself and also because I don’t know where to go next. For the first time, I’m stuck.

I seem to know what’s keeping me. I want to be free, but I’m scared to try.

The immortal-skirmisher isn’t so immortal after all. And for the first time, I’ve realized what my weakness is.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

I wish you all the best of luck.

On Waiting

“It’s amazing how often we miss our chances. It’s tragic how often we don’t see what’s in front of us. It’s unfortunate that we don’t get to see what might have been if we had altered our perceptions just a tiny little bit when making drastic life decisions. It’s all a big cosmic joke and yet we still sit around and idly question what led us to where we are.”

I got this from a Collin Souter, a film critic. I just finished watching ‘The Lake House’ a romantic movie about… Well, I guess you know how the story goes.

Would my life be different now if I had chosen a different course? Should I have stuck with my plan of moving out in 2005? If I had the nerve to ask you out a few more months ago, would I have watched this movie with you instead of seeing it by myself? I’ll never know and most likely I’ll never have some bizarre cosmic opportunity to find out.

“But that’s okay. I can continue to live my life and continue making choices as I see fit to make them;” still quoting from the critic, although I made some changes to suit the context, hehe… me bad, I know…

Anyway, after watching this movie, my concepts about waiting were reinforced. It must have been hard for both of them, having a time difference of two years. The guy was practically waiting for a total of four years. That’s a lot of time. But he made it through; they made it through. And it’s amazing how people take that chance and in the end see how great their leap had become. But it’s also frightening, I know, being unable to see where it will end.

It’s not always a happy ending. It’s not some kind of fairy tale we’re in that everything ends happily ever after; although here’s what I have in mind… “Who says it has to ever end?” I know love may seem like a fantasy where the pleasant feelings reside along with the unpleasant ones that are almost always overcome; but in truth love is beyond that. We create it, we let it happen. It’s there; it grows, if we just allow it, it doesn’t have to end.

I know I always keep on saying this, but waiting really holds everything together. I now realize how important patience is. Perhaps of all virtues, I may like this one better among others. We really can’t expect things to go as how we planned them. We all know that, but we can wait for it to happen. We might have doubts about it ever happening, but I always think of something to counter those doubts. I know that if ever it won’t ever happen, I’m pretty sure something better will. So in the end, there is really nothing to be afraid of. It’s just a matter of waiting.

I guess life is all about waiting. Everything we do always involves waiting; waiting for the sun to rise, waiting for the food to cook, waiting for the bus to arrive, waiting for lunch break, heck even instant noodles need 3 minutes of waiting. I’m waiting for college to be finished. I’m waiting for my next birthday. I’m waiting for a friend to return. I’m waiting for us to be together. I’m waiting for a chance to go abroad. I’m waiting for a lot of things. I know, some may not come on time, but it will, eventually. I just have to be patient. It isn’t easy; nothing really is, if you think about it.

But no matter how eternal waiting is, decisions will always have to be made. We make the choice now, but we may have to wait for the consequences, we may have to wait for the effects. As long as the choice is made, everything will eventually fall into place. We just have to be decided and pursue the choice we made. And we must never lose sight of that dream. It would just be a matter of time before it will be fulfilled. Just keep on waiting, I know I am.

Black to White

and there it is.
my empty palette,
staring at me invitingly.
again.
i know you too well,
my familiar friend.
a bittersweet reunion.

you want only to comfort me
yet the sight of you tells me i'm in too deep.
again.

the need to cover all of you is overwhelming.
to ease the pain is all i want.
so here come my words,
my thoughts,
my sentiments,
my griefs,
my hopes,
my tears...

if only i could paint you with brightness.
yellow and orange...
pink and...
my mind's a blank.
all i know is
blue and grey...
black.
black.
black.
my palette always looks dismal in the end.
i'm sorry my friend.
i'm trying...

the words used to flow.
but now i'm at a loss.
it's something else i feel.
a different shade i'm looking for.
i don't know what to think,
what to do with this bombardment.
it's strange and new.

it could be...better.
brighter.
it could be...
pain.
the pit.

it is
fear.
i'm yearning to try.
but it's bigger than i'd imagined.
the chances.
the leaps.
the gains.
the trials.
the losses.
the tears...

the time will come
when no palette will be big enough,
not for the both of us.
i dread that day.
i hate that i see only that.
what my mind is too ready to believe
my heart is too eager to deny.
but to find a way
to make ends meet,
to make you happy,
to make this work,
i'm trying...

right now my night is gloomy.
why it has to be so i wonder.
the palette is always white...
to put darker shades on?
i've always thought so.
but a tiny voice begs to differ,
that one can keep it bright.
it struggles to be heard.
and i hear it every so often

...louder i hope it becomes.

there must be that other side of me.
dying to paint a different picture.
it exists somewhere.

i look forward
to making out the colors soon,
to putting them together,
to creating something new...
to knowing only gladness
when i see my familiar friend...
to sweet reunions.

More and Les

The More the merrier

The saying goes.

But More should never

Be too much.

For too much More

Is not good at all.

Less is More

Some would say,

And same as More

Should never be too much.

For too much Less

Is no good either.

Equal ground;

Balanced footing;

Not too much;

Not too Less.

Give More;

Give Less.

Take More;

Take Less.

You get More.

You ask Less.

You give Less.

You never ask for More.

I am More.

I offer all.

I take none.

I ask for Less.

Yes I ask for nothing but Les.

(and so it goes down to this)

Don’t have to ask

I give what I

Can offer

Keen sense of

Love(s)

Like any other

Expression

Sincere and true

Less you give

I ask for More

Each time

About you and me

Never stop thinking

Never forget

Each moment we share

God has loved us

And blessed us

Blessed you and me

Everyday I give More but ask for Les

Solitude

It has almost been three hours already. I am still right here, sitting in front of my computer, waiting. I never thought I could have this feeling; feeling eager to greet midnight with my widest smile. Its three hours past midnight and my smile has been turned into a frown. I hope that I could control myself from letting my watery eyes drop even just a single tear. I don’t know, but any time soon, these tears will just have to flow. Like a river that keeps on moving, endlessly they keep on streaming.

Should I prevent myself from pouring down all these tears? How can I? If I would, I should have done that a million times before. I just couldn’t do it. How can I prevent myself from feeling sad? Should I even dare?

Solitude is such a bitter end. I would want to laugh but I could not even afford to smile. When I am alone, thoughts keep on coming and going. I could not comprehend the immensity of such ideas. Thought after thought, ideas after ideas. They just won’t stop.

All of these simply contribute to the stressful feeling I am already in. This heavy burden thrust upon my chest just keep on getting heavier and heavier. If only weight is the only thing added to it. Every single moment of despair this burden grows spikes and each spike point directly to my heart. Every moment I spend being alone, is a moment of suffering and fierce punishment.

I have been a sinner. Perhaps this is the reason why this tribulation is forced upon me. Perhaps I deserve this scornful ordeal. Every second that ticks, a whip is brutally thrashed upon me. Every minute that passes, a ton of gigantic stones are violently thrown at me. Every hour that slips swiftly away, a sharp sword is severely pierced through my heart, my heart that cries in tears, wailing and moaning in anguish.

Lead me, take me, save me from this tormenting disaster that has come unexpectedly. Only you can bring me to safety. In your loving embrace I find security. In your soft caresses I find care. In your warm touch I find protection. In your soothing voice I find peace. In your tender kiss I find love.

In you alone, I find these things and only then do I feel safe, far from the evil clutches of danger, lurking maliciously; waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and attack me once more. Hide me from him that clouds me with this sorrowful atmosphere. Coat me with your everlasting fortification. You alone are my strength.

In darkness, I seek you who hold the key to light. It is through these gloomy hours that I need your shining glory. Hold me in your arms. Secure me with your tenderness. I carried all weight, endured all pain, and surrendered myself to you. Now I cry to you, “A mere glance is all I need.”

All Things Hidden Are Meant To Be Found

Like old tales with pirates in it, the story most often involves a treasure chest hidden in some deserted island. Some great pioneering buccaneer always keeps his most precious items stacked in some place that only he and his most trusted personnel know. And most often, a map is always made.

From what I perceive, it is a subconscious way of saying that the pirate wants his treasure to be found. If he had wanted his cherished items to himself, then he would have just kept it to himself. He knows where he hides it, why would he need a map? If he is a forgetful person, then why does he have to hide it, not only from others but also from himself? Why does he have to bury it in an island far from civilization? Why does he have to bury it in the first place when he could have just spent it and made his life bliss?

He hides it, but subconsciously he wants it to be found. Perhaps not today; maybe later. He hides it perhaps so that he can save it for the future. He hides it perhaps because it would be of great use later on. One thing is certain, he hides for a reason.

But the more he hides it, the more curious the others become. It makes sense, because it is in man’s nature to be curious. It is our nature to unveil all mystery. It is innate in us to uncover everything that is not yet exposed, to discover what is still unknown, and to explore what is still unclear.

When there is something that strikes man as weird, unnatural, and out of the ordinary, he exerts all effort to make it normal, to make it seem logical, and to make it become rational. To man, there is a reason for everything, and everything exists for a reason. Everything has a purpose; otherwise, it doesn’t have to exist. Everything has a meaning, otherwise, it wouldn’t have occurred, it wouldn’t have happened.

But come to think of it, in the same way as man attempts to discover, it is in his nature to hide things as well. I guess this explains why the pirates hide their loot. These people don’t just hide things because they just want to, but they do so because it is in there nature to do so; while subconsciously wanting it to be found.

Thus we see that every human has this tendency to do something and mean another. And amazingly, through the course of time, man has become skilled at this. Man has his way of saying things in various ways which only an equally skilled being can understand. Expressions of his joy, sorrow, anger, hate, love are distinctly conveyed amongst each other. Each human has his own way of showing it and likewise his own way of hiding it. The funny thing here is that by hiding it, he wants it be put across.

Therefore because of this complex structure, man has cleverly been equipped with the appropriate sense of ingenuity. He detects what needs to be detected. He reads everything scrupulously from the very first word to the very last action the other expresses. This is the vague structure of human communication, the ultimate hide-and-seek. But because of this, man has been very creative. And because of this, human interaction has never been more exciting

However, seeking the true message is not as easy as some say. It needs time and practice for it to be maximized. In the same way, being subtle about things is a skill that needs to be exercised and enhanced. Hiding things and leaving clues take cleverness and intellect. Finding these clues and interpreting those needs even more.

But like everything else in this world, this ‘game’ has its limit. There is a limit as to how much information is needed to be found. There is a limit as to how deep the mystery is to be uncovered. I believe that all things hidden are meant to be found, but they must be discovered at the right moment. Some things are better left hidden at least for some time. A time will come for that thing to be unveiled. Thus the critical thing here is determining when the perfect moment is for its revelation.

Perhaps, the hide-and-seek structure is merely a venue for developing man’s skill of knowing the precise moment of revealing things. Therefore in human communication, three things should be kept in mind; (1) value, (2) delivery and (3) timing; because these three things are the key to sending the message with the perfect impact and faultless precision. Without depth and sincerity, the message becomes fake. Without confidence and subtleness, the message becomes weak. Expressed at the wrong time, the message loses its significance.

Thus all we need to remember is learn to hide things while leaving traces of evidence, and learn when to reveal them. Be subtle, learn to keep things invisible, but always remember to leave clues. These traces are the things that give them hints and guide them to the right idea. Revelation is needed for proper confirmation and appropriate declaration. Things hidden are meant to be found… at the exact moment.

ヒカリ -- Hikari

(Second ending theme of フェイト／ステイナイト -- Fate/Stay Night)

Guuzen jyanai futari deaeta no wa
It isn’t coincidence that the two of us have met.

Zutto mae kara kimatteta unmei
It was a destiny decided long ago.

Me wo tojiru tabi sora wo miageru tabi ni
Every time I close my eyes, every time I look up to the sky,

Mabotoshi no youna ano hibi ga yomigaeru
Days of illusion are resurrected.

Niji wa susumu tabi ni tooku naru
The closer you get to a rainbow, the further it appears.

Dakedo aruku yo konomama
Yet, I will keep on walking like this.

Watashi ni wa mieru kimi to no ashita ga
I can see my future with you,

Kimi ni mo wakaruyo itsudatte sou
And I’m sure you can, too, like you’ve always been able to.

Kanarazu mamoruyo yakusoku shitakara
I will protect you, like I’ve promised.

Kanashii toki ni wa soba ni itaiyo
I want to be by your side in times of sadness.

Guuzen jyanai futari deaeta no wa
It isn’t coincidence that the two of us have met.

Zutto mae kara kimatteta unmei
It was a destiny decided long ago.

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