Last night, the 9-day (actually night) novena for my mom had finished. It’s been 10 days since we cremated her body and placed her ashes inside a box. You could only imagine how a human body could easily be reduced to a handful of dust. It’s already been 14 days since her last breath, and tomorrow, on my birthday, my mother who was with me for 22 years would be 15 days dead. It’s ironic really, for me to be celebrating life on the one hand, when on the other, I’d be mourning my mother’s death. But it’s really that simple, life goes on. Come to think of it, death does so too. But then again, we’d have our philosophical differences here and we’d end up discussing something else when in fact I’d like to talk about another.

Anyway, I’ve been on blog/text/chat/email sabbatical for a week. I guess it is part of the ritual that people do when they experience a life-turning event. And for me to talk about it in such a casual tone now would lead you to think that I’ve been able to cope well with everything I’ve had to face. I’ve been strong, thanks to all of your support. I really appreciate your warm texts and messages of encouragement and concern. Although I wasn’t able to reply to all of you, know that I really am very grateful and I feel so lucky to have you as friends. I’m taking this time now to say thank you to you all.

This is actually a day delayed blog entry. The thing is, yesterday, we lost our internet connection due to whatever reason globe can think of (or maybe they did have some technical problem or perhaps it was just the regular system maintenance). In any case, I wasn’t able to share this with you the day before.

I believe you can say that this would be another start of my blogging escapades (yeah right!), since I think I’m now ready to get back on track and pick up from where I left everything off. I’d like to think that new things have opened up to me despite the others that have closed.

Last week, I started work with Azeus. If you don’t know what that is, google it. Google is your best friend (next to what’s-her-name). Anyway, it’s been a mix of fun and tough lessons. Yeah, we’ve been training for more than a week now. And tomorrow, we’ll have our final exams for this specific lesson that I am not telling, ‘coz you might say that we’re such pussies having a hard time on something that you find easy to do. Spare me the criticisms, I’d rather not hear what you have to say (so it won’t hurt me) – based on a personal experience that I haven’t been too keen on forgetting. (Talk about bitter!)

I am supposed to be preparing for that exam now, but knowing me, I’ll always have the time of my life for anything and everything (that I want, that is).

Yeah, I guess that’s what’s been keeping me busy all this time, keeping my mind off things, and giving me something else to look forward to. But you know what, no matter how strong your façade seems, there will always be that weak spot that when hit would make the whole fortress crumble. Yeah, I cried. And I guess I needed that.

…

But hey, I took some pictures while we were on break earlier, and look at how the view is like on the 29^th floor.

That’s it for now.

What do most people do when they’re sad? They cry. But do you know what’s even sadder than that? It’s when you cry alone.

I’ve come to realize that being away from a lot of people you care about makes you a lot less surrounded by people who care for you. That’s the irony of it; you really would have a hard time finding someone to lean on especially when no one is leaning on you as well. Well, that really is a sad story, and it really isn’t uncommon.

There is a good side to all this though. You don’t have to carry the burden of other people’s lives. And at the same time, you don’t have to trouble anyone else to carry yours as well. Although, I’ve heard of this thing called equal sharing but honestly, this doesn’t really happen, in my real life at least. One would always be ahead of the other, one would always give more and take less, one would always be better, and one would always win. What about the other? Well, I’ve also heard of this saying, “That’s life, live with it.”

No matter how you look at it, there would be no happiness without the experience of sadness. So in the Theory of Equal Exchange (goes hand in hand with The Universal Cancellation Theory) that Paelo, a friend of mine has developed (and thanks to Carlo for blogging about it), I think this would also apply. Happiness is always at the expense of someone else’s sadness, at least if not at your own expense. Well, I guess, expense is too strong a word, when what I really mean is the experience of happiness is found as an expression of opposition to the experience of sadness, whether yours or that of others.

Therefore, as my consolation, I’d like to think that whenever I feel gloomy, it’s good to know that somehow, somewhere in the vastness of our existence, there exists someone who feels the exact opposite to what I’m feeling. It’s either that or sooner or later, I’d feel the exact opposite of what I felt.

But then again, I could keep on discussing this for as long as I could; but what I really just want to say is this. It’s really hard to say, “Goodbye,” when you barely said, “Hello.” And that’s what’s keeping me in pain. I could not say, “Goodbye Mama,” simply because I never said, “Hello Mama, I love you!”

Quote of the Day:
"The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them.”
Original: Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit. -- Syrus Publilius

I must say, it might have been the most interesting week I’ve had so far. No wait, perhaps I should say, the most interesting summer I’ve had so far to include the totally unanticipated two-week vacation I had in the province to the totally eventful week I had back in the metro. It wasn’t the most perfect of all summers since there were some costs and other opportunities foregone, but then again, as my Economics Teacher way back in High School would always say, “There is no such thing as a free lunch!”

You can never really get something for nothing, and you’d have to believe it, nothing in this world is free. There will always be a cost to everything you do, be it as little as failing to see an old friend pass by because you blinked or as grandeur, or more like senile, as dying due to bungee jumping off the Victoria Falls Bridge in Zimbabwe without cords. These past weeks, the costs to my ridiculously insane bliss were virtually nothing compared to what I got in return. Then again, costs are something you miss, and sometimes these are opportunities that could have led to something else… for the better? We’d never know. All there is that we can do is be grateful and be happy for every choice we make.

. . .

It’s true that going back the province did cost me a few thousand pesos, but what’s money when you can see your family all together for the first time in almost a decade of disconnection. I guess, other than the fact that the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony did unite two persons in love with God as the center and all that, it also brought all of us together, united in celebration of this momentous event. You see I also have a few relatives living in the southern part of the country. Being that they are in Davao, I do not see them as often as the ones I grew up with in Cebu and in Ormoc. My sister’s wedding was the evident glue that gathered and bound us despite miles of seas that separate us.

But then again, the cosmic turn of events doesn’t always spin to our favor. My mother, who’s currently struggling with all of her, and our, might to fight the threatening disease that plagues her now frail body, was rushed to the hospital a few days before the wedding. The monster that is Cancer really is a snide and sinister dis-ease. My mother wasn’t able to witness the wedding, and so did my dad who was with her the whole time.

. . .

The week after, I was supposed to go back to Metro Manila to have the interview with HP. Sadly, there weren’t any available low cost tickets. Almost all of the ones available cost around 5k which was terribly expensive especially during this time when we are faced with my mom’s condition. I wasn’t able to get back to Manila for the interview. I had to call HP and cancel the whole application.

Despite this, another door opened as I was able to spend the best days of my life with my cousins whom I haven’t seen for what seemed like a lifetime. Ties were once again strengthened as we spoil ourselves each day going to the beach, lounging about at home, playing various games on the PSP and on the PC, camwhoring… and the list goes on.





. . .

I eventually got back to the metro a week ago. Everything went smoothly except for the flight. The 2 hour delay would have been an easily forgivable and forgettable scene, but flying in a stormy dusk would be a different case. Of course, no one could be blamed for it; it’s just a display of fate’s sneaky tricks on us mere mortals.

Imagine. As you soar through the grayish shaded sky, you would wish you were asleep the whole duration of the flight to gain immunity from the noise of the aircraft’s engine, of babies crying, and of the harsh cackles of the plane as it passes through a heavily clouded space. The phrase “dark clouds” now actually has a completely new connotation. You can only close your eyes and cry out with your loudest INNER voice, since you won’t be helping every other person calm themselves as you begin chanting every Saint’s name you know and reciting prayers of litany-esque proportions invoking almighty powers of salvation. No, you’d want to keep it to yourself to and save everyone the panic as the airplane shakes in turbulence and while bolts of lightning parade themselves across the sides of the plane almost every second. For one hour, you’d have nothing else to do but that.

Luckily, you feel the strong connection between you and your God, that after an hour, you would still be stepping foot on solid ground while an air of security would drape around you as you make your way to the luggage conveyer belt. The rest of the passengers would also seem composed considerately striving to project an impression of poise and serenity. However, you could still manage to see a slight twitch on their brows and rash shaking of their knees. Perhaps the whole traumatic experience heightened your senses, or maybe you just don’t have anything else to do while waiting for your luggage but passively watch others.

As you pace through the exit, you see a long winding line of people waiting for cabs. No other means of transportation is readily available. You don’t have a car, and you don’t have anyone else to pick you up. Added to that, you haven’t had dinner yet. Finally, you get your turn at the front of the queue, and in the end you get to your house, tired and maybe even frustrated.

Well, then again, that may have been an overly dramatic way of saying that it was a bad trip. The good thing is, you’re alive.

. . .

Later in the week, another company called me for interview. P&G scheduled an initial interview being that I passed their assessment and the reasoning tests they administered. I eagerly went to their office that Friday. Everything would have been nice save for the fact that I lost my phone (it slipped off my pants’ pocket) plus heavy rain and strong wind would welcome me as I alight from the bus to their office. I had to spend 10 minutes under such harsh conditions running about and making my way to their building.

The interview itself was interesting. The interviewer was also interesting. In short, I had fun. Every other thing that happened to me earlier that day just dissolved and vaporized. Honestly, it was some form “mind over matter” thing. I’m sure it’d be helpful on several other occasions.

. . .

On a lighter note, the day after, I had to go to Ortigas for the Medical Exam for Azeus. This time, everything really was fine. It did showered a little but it was bearable, making the wind cool and breezy. I went to a friend’s office and had fun having a photo shoot. It was my first session and it was free. Ain’t that amazing?

Later that day, I met up with my cousin and she lent me her phone. I bought myself a new SIM and everything was alright. Her mom bought me my first dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts which I munched all by myself. It made me feel so much better… way better!

. . .

Providentially, we were able to play as studio contestants in the highly patronized game show in Philippine Television to date. Monday of the following week would be our taping schedule for “Pilipinas, Game KNB?” We actually had our slot transferred to another date thrice already. We couldn’t play the first time, since I was still in the province, and we couldn’t play the second time because, uhmm, I was still in the province. We weren’t able to play the third time because a lot of other teams were there to play and we weren’t at the priority list even though we were there in the ABS-CBN studio already. Nonetheless, it was fun just being there, dancing and howling with the other talents. It wasn’t too bad anyway; we were able to see some of our famous friends, Robi, to name one.

Finally, we got in and played the game for real. Unfortunately, we weren’t blessed enough to get through to the 2M Bonus Round. Another team played better.



Now I have 5K (consolation). Hey, it’s still 5K and enough for me to get a new phone in place of the one I lost. I still believe that God really does still provide and everything shall still fall in place. Everything that happened to me so far, is part of the grand design of my life; one part of it, out of my own craft, the other, that of fate. All is fair and just.

How hard could it be being in two places at one time?
How can two separate times exist as one?
How can two worlds be joined?
When we are lives apart?
Night and day is what we are.
We come and go but never do we meet.
I see a glimpse of you as so do you.
But that is all for we are not one, but two.

Is it impossible to share this moment with you?
Could I smile the smile you lips has dawned?
Could I cry the tears your eyes just shed?
If we are lives apart?
I am night and you are day.
We both live but never at once.
Though we are joined, I could never feel
The caressing touch of your radiant light.

At the passage of time,
I grow old of waiting.
But never do I tire of dreaming
The moment we could be together.
You and I are day and night.