The free file hosting account where I placed my buttons for the Pagelet, my songs I recorded, and several other stuff is no longer in service. Dang! This means I'll have to be updating my blog again, but I can't remember which ones are gone. Is this God's way of saying, "Host your own blog Dick." I don't really know. In any case, I'd have to be updating this more often now. What a sad, sad, sad thing to happen. It makes me wanna cry.

Boxstr.com is becoming OpenDrive.com which is basically the same file hosting site. I wonder what happened.

Quote of the Day:
"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." -- Theodore Roosevelt

Today, Typhoon Santi will be making its grand entrance to our lovely city. The day before, it was advised that its strength was that of a Signal No. 2 Typhoon, and all elementary and high school students had to be sent home. Unluckily for us, employed young professionals, as I had been for a few months now (Gawd, how I love how that sounds!), we were still required to come to in to the office. Although nothing tremendously freaky was daunting upon us since yesterday, “the sun was up, the skies were blue, and everything was nice, except you.” Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wrong line! Wahaha! But you get the picture. Yesterday, everything was better.

Image by joiseyshowaa via Flickr

Time flies, regardless of whether you are having fun or not. That's the fact that we almost always seem to forget.

I haven't been able to update my blog for quite a number of reasons. You really wouldn't want to know all of them. Just know this, I am no longer a bum.

However, even though I haven't been able to post new and interesting entries recently, I did try to come up with these things I like to call "Pagelets".

What are Pagelets?

Winning, of course, is in itself a debatable concept, for losing is still winning, although it’s winning something else. But now’s not the time to discuss that. Let’s go to the very core of the word itself.

Winning a game needs precision in moves, decisive attacks, and passive manipulation of the opponent’s pieces. This practically applies to any game, be it for children, in business, and even in poker.

Image via Wikipedia

I played poker with a friend last night, and man was he good. We put on our poker faces, like we always do, placed our bets, and started the game. It was as intense as it can get.

Of course, it’s not the type of game where you could really prepare for an attack, right? I mean, once the cards are dealt, it’s practically up to you how to play them.

Luckily, my poker face isn’t that easy to decipher. Raise a brow here, pout lips, take a deep breath, and look at him intently. Look back at your cards, take a one-second glance to the side, then back at him, back to your cards and then back at him.

I don’t really know what those glances mean, but they sure convey something. Something that he doesn’t know, ‘coz for all obvious reasons, I don’t either.

I’m playing an Ace and a King, both of Hearts. They were really good cards, and I could feel that sense of security and assurance even before we rolled in our first bets. I play safe and call in every time we start a game. The flops are turned, giving us an Ace of Clubs, Ten of Hearts, and Three of Spades.

It wasn’t intentional that the mirror had been positioned behind him; it was a really old mirror that had been hanging on my wall for ages already. Nor was it intentional that he had set up the poker table in front of that mirror. It was even more purely coincidental that the reflection showed he holds in his hand the other pair of Aces. It was a losing game for me.

Flopping a pair of Aces has no chance of winning against his Three of a Kind. He raised the bets. It takes a while for me to make a sound. Heavy drops of perspiration are already building up my brows now. I had to bluff. I check and raise the bets, doubling it. Risking this much is worth it, I believe. He calls it in.

It seems as if my heart was beating faster than the flapping wings of a flying hummingbird. But I had to keep my poker face on. Composing myself, I take another deep breath, keeping blood to flow through every part of my body, allowing as much oxygen to supply my already pounding heart.

The fourth street is turned. A Jack of Hearts appears. Was it a sign from God? I had no idea.

Drafts of cool night air rushes through the window, but somehow, it fails to win over the extreme heat I’m feeling. I wipe of the sweat off my face. He checks but I raise the bets. He still has the best hand in the game so far. He still has to play the game, and calls it in.

The intensity of the game is still rising and who knows when it will reach its climax. I see drops of sweat already forming on his face. He briskly wipes them off. That is all he can do now.

With poker faces still on, we exchange blank stares. Two amazing players bashing up against each other, not knowing how much experience each one has. It’s really an intense game.

What are the odds of drawing the Queen of Hearts on the fifth street? It is the final piece of my winning set. I am seconds away from getting my Royal Flush. He knows that all too well!

We struggle to keep our selves appease. The building squalls within us are becoming unbearable by the second. The fifth street is slow being drawn, but just before we could even see the card’s face, the power goes out.

…

Nah, the power does not go out. But I’m holding you guys off a bit. I’ll get back to you guys when I know what card has been dealt. For now, I’ll leave you with this.

Image by fithtyfithty

Did I hit the Queen of Hearts? That very thin, extremely minute and incredibly slim chance? I’ll tell you soon!

Quote of the Day:
"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it." -- Michael Jordan

I find it really curious to wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly get hit by a blogging inspiration. How weird is waking up at early dawn, around 4AM (yes, since by MY definition, night means the whole duration of your sleep, considering you aren’t a vampire, e.i. you sleep like everyone else starting in the late evening and waking up at early morning the next day), hearing the DJs on the radio talking about the previously famous (and now made even more famous because of his sudden death – on my birthday nonetheless) MICHAEL JACKSON where somehow they also managed to mention GRAVITY somewhere along the course of their discussion about something I couldn’t really remember (yes, I listen to the radio – Monster Radio, RX 93.1 – even when I sleep, so don’t you dare tell our landlady that I’m sorta, kinda, but not quite wasting precious electricity, which by the way is an energy resource that needs to be conserved due to scarcity issues and whatnot – I know, I’m not perfect).

So, as I looked at the wall clock staring blankly at me with hands pointing at an angle which would supposedly mean a few minutes past 4 in the morning, my mind rushed through thoughts much like a scheduled virus scan which suddenly pops up when you least expect it, searching through banks and banks of memory for something that you don’t normally find on occasion. Only this time my mind was going on auto-pilot searching the best ideas I kept about Gravity and all. Then… after a second or 30, Gravity sunk its imprints on to my very core. I could only imagine how drastically different our lives would be without it, how worlds would unimaginably crash into each other’s orbits (or would there still be any) without it or fly infinitely away from each other without it (whatever!), and how cosmically chaotic everything would be without Gravity.

Well, that’s just me thinking about a life without gravity (but then again, the omniscient and boundless God we believe in would probably think of something to tie it all again). Let’s just limit our fictitious thoughts to the time when we suddenly lose the force of gravity to the time before God would give us something to replace it with and make things better again.

OK, moving on. Remember how gravity attracts two objects with mass? There’s supposedly physics involved in it; I’m sure you can google it yourself. The point is this force exists to make things stable, to give some order into our own existence; why no matter how high you throw the ball, it’ll always fall back to the ground; why no matter who you are, how high your status is, we all still hit the ground hard when we fall. That’s all there is to it, really. No matter how much you build your life on something, it will always come (sometimes even crashing) down. Alright, for those optimistic ones, think of it as something like, no matter how busy or hyped up or high your life becomes (in terms of career, love, money, or whatever), it will always fade down into ease someday. Life becomes a roller-coaster because of Gravity. Basically, Gravity makes our life more interesting!

And like Death, Gravity is another one great equalizer. Like Death, no one escapes Gravity. Like Death, Gravity has its force on us, and we are powerless to defy it. We can dare resist it, but ultimately, we will all fall, and die.

So I immediately got up, paced my way through the quiescent silhouettes of my room and curiously searched the internet. Interestingly, I found out that Michael Jackson is still special, despite his being him. He may not have escaped Death, but he surely found an ingenious way of defying Gravity.

Wanna know how he did it? Check this out.

Scan through it. The images will tell you everything. Notice the Jackson et al under the United States Patent label on the upper left!

Rest in Peace, MJ. You've had a hell of a roller-coaster life. You've reached the highest height of your career, and you may have faced the most troublesome ones in your life. You definitely went up, and you're also definitely going down in history.

What do most people do when they’re sad? They cry. But do you know what’s even sadder than that? It’s when you cry alone.

I’ve come to realize that being away from a lot of people you care about makes you a lot less surrounded by people who care for you. That’s the irony of it; you really would have a hard time finding someone to lean on especially when no one is leaning on you as well. Well, that really is a sad story, and it really isn’t uncommon.

There is a good side to all this though. You don’t have to carry the burden of other people’s lives. And at the same time, you don’t have to trouble anyone else to carry yours as well. Although, I’ve heard of this thing called equal sharing but honestly, this doesn’t really happen, in my real life at least. One would always be ahead of the other, one would always give more and take less, one would always be better, and one would always win. What about the other? Well, I’ve also heard of this saying, “That’s life, live with it.”

No matter how you look at it, there would be no happiness without the experience of sadness. So in the Theory of Equal Exchange (goes hand in hand with The Universal Cancellation Theory) that Paelo, a friend of mine has developed (and thanks to Carlo for blogging about it), I think this would also apply. Happiness is always at the expense of someone else’s sadness, at least if not at your own expense. Well, I guess, expense is too strong a word, when what I really mean is the experience of happiness is found as an expression of opposition to the experience of sadness, whether yours or that of others.

Therefore, as my consolation, I’d like to think that whenever I feel gloomy, it’s good to know that somehow, somewhere in the vastness of our existence, there exists someone who feels the exact opposite to what I’m feeling. It’s either that or sooner or later, I’d feel the exact opposite of what I felt.

But then again, I could keep on discussing this for as long as I could; but what I really just want to say is this. It’s really hard to say, “Goodbye,” when you barely said, “Hello.” And that’s what’s keeping me in pain. I could not say, “Goodbye Mama,” simply because I never said, “Hello Mama, I love you!”

Quote of the Day:
"The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them.”
Original: Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit. -- Syrus Publilius

Day by day, the world is aging. And as it goes down this inevitable path, change accompanies it. In every possible way, we are part of that changing process be it for long-term or not. What are we doing to change the world? A lot of us don’t even stop and wonder how our actions cause such changes. But then again, thinking about how our small decisions and choices affect the whole lives of each living and non-living thing on this massive piece of rock floating casually but at the same time so precise with its every movement in the immensity of our universe, isn’t such an easy feat. So in response, I propose to think small and let the effects ripple a hundred fold with everything we do. Just like dropping a piece of rock in the middle of the lake, let each little thing we do resonate not only through space amongst persons but also transcend through time across generations.

Charismatic as it may sound; I think this is how we all should think, to leave a significant legacy that helped make the world a better place.

Alright, I’ll cut the crap. I’m not really that aggressive about changing the world. Let’s be honest, not all of us are that hard-hitting when it comes making a global, let alone nationwide, impact. But somehow it worries me that there are a lot of others like me, or perhaps even worse. I really wouldn’t say I’m the one of the totally worthless type of those ungrateful citizens or one of those totally pathetic and callously passive sloths. Right, I still have some heart and sensitivity in me, and I’m definitely sure, there are others like me. And to those who are at the lower end of the concerned-ness spectrum, I call you to make a stand for yourself, to help change the world.

Fine, perhaps going out to peaceful demonstrations is not our kind of game, yet. So let’s start something small, work our way up to more assertive and compelling acts, and leave our so-called legacy upon this lovely land we tread.

How about starting by being grateful about every little thing that comes our way? I mean, having this kind of positive disposition would tremendously change the way we look at our daily experiences and perhaps that of others. Imagine being thankful to each person that does a good deed to you, and meaning it. I just realized how we sometimes take our mom’s delicious cooking for granted, for instance. How much would it cost us to say thank you for the scrumptious meal? “Thanks mom, the meal was delicious. I really loved the tender meat.” Or whatever it is that made your meal sooo delish! Well if your mom doesn’t cook that well, then at least be thankful for being fed. Just be thankful. ;)

Earlier today, I had a haircut, and you know how hair salons have to shampoo and condition your hair first before actually trimming and styling your hair, right. Sometimes, the one giving you the shampoo and the whole conditioner treatment also throws in a head massage. And you’d want that. It’s relaxing. And it makes you feel good. It put a smile on my face, and I immediately thought of being thankful to the lady giving me the shampoo, conditioning, AND massage. Right after she was done, I instantly put on my best grateful smile and said thank you. “Thank you for the massage, I know others don’t throw in the extra service.” She just smiled, and all went well. After the stylist was through trimming and styling, they’d have to rinse my hair. Oftentimes, that’s all you really get, a simple rinse. But this time, the lady earlier threw in more shampoo, conditioner, and even a few minute head massage. And I thought to myself, for the simple smile and the act of gratitude, I got this.

So I was thinking, what more could I get and do for the world if I magnified that simple gesture?

. . .

Quote of the Day:
“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” -- William Arthur Ward

I must say, it might have been the most interesting week I’ve had so far. No wait, perhaps I should say, the most interesting summer I’ve had so far to include the totally unanticipated two-week vacation I had in the province to the totally eventful week I had back in the metro. It wasn’t the most perfect of all summers since there were some costs and other opportunities foregone, but then again, as my Economics Teacher way back in High School would always say, “There is no such thing as a free lunch!”

You can never really get something for nothing, and you’d have to believe it, nothing in this world is free. There will always be a cost to everything you do, be it as little as failing to see an old friend pass by because you blinked or as grandeur, or more like senile, as dying due to bungee jumping off the Victoria Falls Bridge in Zimbabwe without cords. These past weeks, the costs to my ridiculously insane bliss were virtually nothing compared to what I got in return. Then again, costs are something you miss, and sometimes these are opportunities that could have led to something else… for the better? We’d never know. All there is that we can do is be grateful and be happy for every choice we make.

. . .

It’s true that going back the province did cost me a few thousand pesos, but what’s money when you can see your family all together for the first time in almost a decade of disconnection. I guess, other than the fact that the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony did unite two persons in love with God as the center and all that, it also brought all of us together, united in celebration of this momentous event. You see I also have a few relatives living in the southern part of the country. Being that they are in Davao, I do not see them as often as the ones I grew up with in Cebu and in Ormoc. My sister’s wedding was the evident glue that gathered and bound us despite miles of seas that separate us.

But then again, the cosmic turn of events doesn’t always spin to our favor. My mother, who’s currently struggling with all of her, and our, might to fight the threatening disease that plagues her now frail body, was rushed to the hospital a few days before the wedding. The monster that is Cancer really is a snide and sinister dis-ease. My mother wasn’t able to witness the wedding, and so did my dad who was with her the whole time.

. . .

The week after, I was supposed to go back to Metro Manila to have the interview with HP. Sadly, there weren’t any available low cost tickets. Almost all of the ones available cost around 5k which was terribly expensive especially during this time when we are faced with my mom’s condition. I wasn’t able to get back to Manila for the interview. I had to call HP and cancel the whole application.

Despite this, another door opened as I was able to spend the best days of my life with my cousins whom I haven’t seen for what seemed like a lifetime. Ties were once again strengthened as we spoil ourselves each day going to the beach, lounging about at home, playing various games on the PSP and on the PC, camwhoring… and the list goes on.





. . .

I eventually got back to the metro a week ago. Everything went smoothly except for the flight. The 2 hour delay would have been an easily forgivable and forgettable scene, but flying in a stormy dusk would be a different case. Of course, no one could be blamed for it; it’s just a display of fate’s sneaky tricks on us mere mortals.

Imagine. As you soar through the grayish shaded sky, you would wish you were asleep the whole duration of the flight to gain immunity from the noise of the aircraft’s engine, of babies crying, and of the harsh cackles of the plane as it passes through a heavily clouded space. The phrase “dark clouds” now actually has a completely new connotation. You can only close your eyes and cry out with your loudest INNER voice, since you won’t be helping every other person calm themselves as you begin chanting every Saint’s name you know and reciting prayers of litany-esque proportions invoking almighty powers of salvation. No, you’d want to keep it to yourself to and save everyone the panic as the airplane shakes in turbulence and while bolts of lightning parade themselves across the sides of the plane almost every second. For one hour, you’d have nothing else to do but that.

Luckily, you feel the strong connection between you and your God, that after an hour, you would still be stepping foot on solid ground while an air of security would drape around you as you make your way to the luggage conveyer belt. The rest of the passengers would also seem composed considerately striving to project an impression of poise and serenity. However, you could still manage to see a slight twitch on their brows and rash shaking of their knees. Perhaps the whole traumatic experience heightened your senses, or maybe you just don’t have anything else to do while waiting for your luggage but passively watch others.

As you pace through the exit, you see a long winding line of people waiting for cabs. No other means of transportation is readily available. You don’t have a car, and you don’t have anyone else to pick you up. Added to that, you haven’t had dinner yet. Finally, you get your turn at the front of the queue, and in the end you get to your house, tired and maybe even frustrated.

Well, then again, that may have been an overly dramatic way of saying that it was a bad trip. The good thing is, you’re alive.

. . .

Later in the week, another company called me for interview. P&G scheduled an initial interview being that I passed their assessment and the reasoning tests they administered. I eagerly went to their office that Friday. Everything would have been nice save for the fact that I lost my phone (it slipped off my pants’ pocket) plus heavy rain and strong wind would welcome me as I alight from the bus to their office. I had to spend 10 minutes under such harsh conditions running about and making my way to their building.

The interview itself was interesting. The interviewer was also interesting. In short, I had fun. Every other thing that happened to me earlier that day just dissolved and vaporized. Honestly, it was some form “mind over matter” thing. I’m sure it’d be helpful on several other occasions.

. . .

On a lighter note, the day after, I had to go to Ortigas for the Medical Exam for Azeus. This time, everything really was fine. It did showered a little but it was bearable, making the wind cool and breezy. I went to a friend’s office and had fun having a photo shoot. It was my first session and it was free. Ain’t that amazing?

Later that day, I met up with my cousin and she lent me her phone. I bought myself a new SIM and everything was alright. Her mom bought me my first dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts which I munched all by myself. It made me feel so much better… way better!

. . .

Providentially, we were able to play as studio contestants in the highly patronized game show in Philippine Television to date. Monday of the following week would be our taping schedule for “Pilipinas, Game KNB?” We actually had our slot transferred to another date thrice already. We couldn’t play the first time, since I was still in the province, and we couldn’t play the second time because, uhmm, I was still in the province. We weren’t able to play the third time because a lot of other teams were there to play and we weren’t at the priority list even though we were there in the ABS-CBN studio already. Nonetheless, it was fun just being there, dancing and howling with the other talents. It wasn’t too bad anyway; we were able to see some of our famous friends, Robi, to name one.

Finally, we got in and played the game for real. Unfortunately, we weren’t blessed enough to get through to the 2M Bonus Round. Another team played better.



Now I have 5K (consolation). Hey, it’s still 5K and enough for me to get a new phone in place of the one I lost. I still believe that God really does still provide and everything shall still fall in place. Everything that happened to me so far, is part of the grand design of my life; one part of it, out of my own craft, the other, that of fate. All is fair and just.

How hard could it be being in two places at one time?
How can two separate times exist as one?
How can two worlds be joined?
When we are lives apart?
Night and day is what we are.
We come and go but never do we meet.
I see a glimpse of you as so do you.
But that is all for we are not one, but two.

Is it impossible to share this moment with you?
Could I smile the smile you lips has dawned?
Could I cry the tears your eyes just shed?
If we are lives apart?
I am night and you are day.
We both live but never at once.
Though we are joined, I could never feel
The caressing touch of your radiant light.

At the passage of time,
I grow old of waiting.
But never do I tire of dreaming
The moment we could be together.
You and I are day and night.

I never really had the perfect chance to blog about something worth blogging. Perhaps because I’ve been overly preoccupied with stuff that may and/or may not have any significance at all. I guess nothing else matters now. What’s done is done and there’s really no need to wallow over things that can’t be undone. And enough with this excessively emo intro. What I’m here for is something that’s been on my mind the moment I opened my eyes early this morning. I just had so much to do and to think about (obviously about something else) that I it is only until now that I am somewhat compelled to keep this to writing. Just a side note: I find blogging fun. Uhmm, I actually don’t know where that came from but as crazy as I am, I just write and write and write and think then write and write some more.

Anyway, I’ll try to make this as casual as possible for I’ve been so sick (I mean, literally sick with the unavoidable flu. I say unavoidable because somehow, no matter how hard I try, it just keeps finding its way back to me. But then again, technically the flu virus cannot attack the same person twice so the flu virus I have right now is probably something different from the one I had a month ago. See how sickly I am these days? Anyway, were going way off topic now..). And being sick actually has nothing to do with the tone of this blog entry, hasn’t it? Anyway, it’s my blog and if you’ve gone this far, then prepare yourself for more incoherent ideas just popping and pooping here and there, every once in a while, whenever I see it fit (or not! Haha!).

Now really, on to what I really intended to write about. With mellow music in the background let me just set my mood. I listen to the radio too every now and then. Ding! Ding! Off topic! But if you’ve reached this far without being annoyed and lost, congratulations because I will definitely start my entry now.

In life, I consider almost everything I do as a game. But as they always say: It’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how you play the game [that counts. Haha! I got you! I won’t be talking about that! I just wanted to make sure that I don’t have that mindset that I always have to be triumphant in every game I join in although I strive, as much as I can, to win. Oh c’mon, who doesn’t? Of course, I’d want to play something that there’s at least a minimum chance of winning! I mean, if you’re sure to lose, why bother? But then again, this could be a topic for another blog which right now I have no intention of making. But we’re clear on that, ok? It’s how the game is played that makes that game as memorable as memories can be.

But here’s the deal, what if you’re competing against someone who’s not even playing? Guess what, it happens! Just as shit does!

As annoying as it may seem, I just have to play it until the end. How unfair can that be? I mean, you give it your best shot and then she ranks you up against someone who’s not even interested in taking part in it (And maybe because he already has a girlfriend. Uhmm hello!? Lady, your game’s over!). How naïve can she be? But wait, I’m already whining! *whining mode off*

But hey, this is just my nice way of saying, "Let's get it on! This is the one game I'm sure to win, and I mean definitely sure to win! "

(to be edited… if i feel like it...)

I should have left but I stayed. There is no one else to blame but me. I put myself into this mess and now I’m paying the price. Was it all worth it? I’m thinking how I somehow knew this would be a possibility before I jumped into it and took that risk. And how I could console myself with those moments in case this would eventually happen? But I don’t know where to begin making myself feel better. I’ve never been in a predicament as low as this ever. And I don’t know how to get out from it. I’ve been so alone since. I don’t even know what lesson to from this experience. All I could hope for is for something better to happen. But for now, I could do nothing but endure this weight I’m carrying.

How could I even lighten this load? It seems so certain that I can’t just put it down and leave it all behind. I can’t find anyone to hold on to. I’ve lost everyone. I’d really like to think that because I knew you, I have been changed for good. But it’s just so hard to accept it when you know I haven’t.

I need an overhaul; a drastic remake. I can’t go on like this anymore.

THROUGH GOD WHO STRENGTHENS ME, EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT FOR ME; SO THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS, I’LL DEFINITELY ENJOY IT.

Call me crazy but I think these are the moments of my life when I have nothing else to do (Oh crap! My lab report..!) but sulk and bathe myself in extreme thought and ponder upon things that just pop in my mind. Christmas break just started and most of the people already went home. Here in the boarding house, the once crowded and busy place soon began to quite down as media players are turned off, television sets shut, and rooms closed and locked. People have allowed themselves, including their very presence, to be carried off with the spirit of Christmas.

It’s hard to follow them when a lot of stuff still lingers in my mind. The Christmas caroling rush of the Glee Club has now ended, and so the nights end so soon awaiting yet another Christmas morning of peace and solitude.

I busy myself with writing blogs and allow myself to explore the inner depths of my mind. A coping mechanism I’ve been using ever since I started my college years although recently, due to non-stop exams, projects, reports and whatnot, my blogging days have unfortunately ceased. Now that the attacks from my professors have ended, I now have more than enough time to busy myself with writing stuff down.

It just goes to show that I’m totally bored and have nothing to do, except perhaps clean my room and other non fun stuff. I could buy me a new PC game, coz I’ve always wanted to try out the latest installment of Need for Speed, I just don’t know if my PC would meet the demands of the game. Soon, I’ll get my chance to play it. Right now, I’ll just squeeze out everything that I could from this not-so-drained brain of mine.

Anyway, just this morning I woke up with a very pleasant dream. Would you believe it? I met my next girlfriend. She’s a friend’s friend whom I met at a friend’s birthday party. She’s about my height, sexy, as in not fat and not even chubby but not too skinny either, with long shiny hair and a very sexy smile. I’ll know her coz she has a younger brother whom I cursed at for doing something I bleakly remember, I think he took a book or something. A book for God’s sake and yes, I cursed him for that, before I realized he was my next girlfriend’s brother. Good job Dick!

At least I felt what I have been missing these past few years. At least at some point of my life right now, that spark still is alive. Another dream is yet to become a reality. I’ll be meeting her soon. And when I do, it will be heaven all the way. She’s been waiting for me as well, and if someone like her found someone like me, then everything would never be the same. Our hearts would take wing and we’d feel so alive. There’d be a new way to live, a new life to love, coz we’ve found each other.

Haha! Sounds familiar. But I’ll console myself with that thought. Now that I’ve been losing hope each day that passes. I would want to find a new light to follow. A new hope to hold on to. At least for now, before I return and become a better me.

Ika nga nila, ang buhay ay parang gulong… Wala lang, parang gulong lang. Gusto mo parang bubong? Sige, ang buhay ay parang bubong… Hehe! Ismayl ka na lang!

It is past midnight and I still couldn’t muster enough strength or rather drain all my energy to fall asleep. It’s one of those nights when I just have to take note of. A night full of lavishing insights, if it means something to any of you. I wish I would come to a conclusion after this, however, based on what I am feeling and thinking right now, that possibility seems bleak.

Guilt. I guess that would be what I could use to describe what and how I am feeling right now, at least on a very wide perspective. Looking at how I seem to organize my thoughts and processing the things that have happened, I seem to end at one clear reality. My need for belongingness is among the most unsatisfied need in my life right now. I had dealt with my insecurities, at least as far as I know, and asserted myself with or without acknowledgment although I wouldn’t deny that such a need is as much as important as my need for belongingness.

Allow me to segue for a few lines here. Several months ago, I’ve been in the dumps because of unimportant stuff that has been troubling me ever since. I just couldn’t quench my thirst for attention. Now isn’t that just plain sad and stupid. I realize that now, although in retrospect, it does seem important for someone of my stature and way of living. You can’t blame me for feeling this way, at least what you can do is understand why I feel this way and allow me to be how I am, otherwise, just let it pass, because c’mon, for a person of my level of I.Q., I think I’d realize how stupid it is sooner or later. Of course, unless I do something stupid, I wouldn’t make that realization, now would I?

Going back to the topic, a reality that which I have yet to unveil glinted at one instance as I lay on my bed feeling contented and yet unsatisfied for some unknown reason. The paradox drives through my very flesh and tears my bones apart along with it the very frame and structure of my wholeness, my being. It would seem irrelevant to dwell on such thoughts however, dismissing them especially now that they have grown stronger, would only be postponing an even more horrendous reality which sooner or later I would eventually have to face. I might as well deal with it now, now that my adrenaline pumping system is well and active.

Going even deeper, I have somewhat peeked at something that is yet to be fully exposed, one way or another. This possible exposition would make a tremendous instability that I fear would make me even more vulnerable than how I am right now. A part of me wants to get it over and done with as soon as possible since after the ruins, for someone like me, there is no other way but to rise and build, hopefully, an even stronger me, with stronger frames and structure, but then again, another part of me, and I would presume it is the more practical and logical side, wishes to address the root causes and fix it while it is still in a reparable state rather than allowing it to strike and face the destruction of this fort that I have forever kept erect and established. If it can be mended, if not stopped, then why would I have to suffer such a terrible loss, right?

And this leads me to the more difficult yet more interesting part of my reflection, weighing and comparing the two options which I have set for myself as of the moment. I would love to widen my horizon even further by suggesting alternatives and more sound possibilities but the fact of the unknown only brings me more anxiety, than what the givens and the known already provide.

I knew this would end in a very open and undecided ‘resolution’. But I pray that with some help, divine or otherwise, discerning what’s best would somehow come to me, in time.

Just a parenthetical note, the phrase ‘in time’ just seems so comforting; knowing the reality of some unknown reality soon coming to be a reality despite the lack of a definite time frame. It does not exclude the possibility of its realization in the ‘now’, which is a very intoxicating experience, although the possibility of its realization would probably lie somewhere between ‘now’ and ‘later’. At least one thing is for certain, it does not end in ‘never’.

Perhaps the road will still be block, at least for the moment, but I rest assured that it won’t be, ‘in time’.

Isn’t it funny how you look at the night sky, serene and peaceful and yet you don’t see anything but the moon and the night clouds lazily floating about? And then you blissfully search for those brightest shining stars and yet you just don’t see any. But then all of a sudden a small glint catches your eyes and then you realize that there is but one star that shines faintly. So you try to make sense of that shining star, then slowly it glows more and more, twinkling each second that passes by and you just can’t help but be amazed at how you were able to take heed of its faint glow only when the brightest stars you were searching for can no longer be found, that all the time you knew that a star is there somewhere , in the vast endlessness of the night sky, waiting for you to take notice of its humble yet magnificent shine, but you fail to realize it because you were stuck and glued to searching for one bright star among the many that are as bright, that one bright star that may no longer even exist.

A few nights ago, I got out of bed and went to the riverbank, laid on my back, and stared at the sky. I knew I was waiting for that star, kinda like hoping incessantly to catch a falling star. It’s somewhat stupid really, when you know the odds of catching a falling star is minimal, how much more when you are actually expectantly waiting for a specific star to fall. A hopeless scenario, more like sad really.

After two hours of searching, waiting, hoping, and getting frustrated, disappointed, sad, and hurt, I got up and went back to bed and slept through the rest of my hellish ordeal.

I guess it’s just how it is. You have to love and get hurt, and get hurt until it’s numb, and feel numb until you don’t feel love nor hurt at all. Then you start to fall in love again, and hope that this time it would be for good, if not for better.

That’s when you realize that there are a lot more stars in the heavens above us. We just have to make sure that we never tire ourselves from constantly searching and being open to see what the night sky would have to offer. Once you see at least one more star, smile and be glad that you have found yet another gem in the sky, something that would be cherished and loved for the rest of this next chapter of our lives.

Holding on is essential only when you are certain that what you are holding on to is an immovable stretch of the boundless sky. Otherwise our hold would be weak and would not be enough to keep us whole. Thus learn to let go, for in letting go we acknowledge our weakness, and faith in ourselves that it is not only through this part of the sky that we can anchor our lives to. Definitely, the night sky is limitless and no one can stop us from anchoring ourselves on to another more firm and stable part.