Almost Finished Project (for deactivation): self-evaluation

Showing posts with label self-evaluation. Show all posts

The Beleaguered Champion

What would you do? It’s tiring as it can be. What with all the stress that’s lurking everywhere ready to pounce anytime. You can never really be too careful these days. Anyone, not to mention everyone, could be it. We can never really know. How much would it take for me to see what lies ahead so that I won’t have to worry about tomorrow? I know it’s futile to worry about what will be rather than expending more time and effort resolving what is. But that’s the problem, instead of enjoying what is, I spend more time worrying and looking for ways to alleviate pain of yesterday that’s causing more problems today.

The Beleaguered Champion seeks to find a place to rest. Under the tree of answers, he wishes to lie underneath its shade. But in the scorching heat vast desert that he has traveled, in the viciousness of the jungle he’s been through, in the depths of the dark abyss, nothing but a void and empty space lies before him. It’s even more disturbing for despite its barrenness, there is always and there will always be something that will push him to the edge.

The Beleaguered Champion started by spending a tremendous amount of time training for what may lie ahead in his life’s adventure. Giving everything he has to offer, this hero wanted to be at his best when he faces the demons and monsters on his way. Nothing could possibly stop him and nothing will.

The Beleaguered Champion went into the immense ocean of oceans. There he met other champions just as he; eager and determined to topple every barrier that may come there way. However, in spite of the immensity of this area, there were only a few possible paths to take. And only a few would be able to go through it. Before this Champion knew it, he was fighting for his slim chance and his inalienable right to passage, against the others that came before and even after him. This isn’t a very pleasant sight. The steady flow of knights treading water was now drenched in thick blood drowning in their own despair.

Despite the horror, the Beleaguered Champion went on his way; weary from that great feat. He knew too well, that it wasn’t going to be the last. He knew that in every other field, battles have to be fought, won, and forgotten. Loss; he knew no such thing. In every step he makes, victory was his vision, faith was his shield, and hope was his sword. Coated in an armor of well-forged skill, no one can bring him down.

The Beleaguered Champion went on this excruciating journey, seeking the most appropriate spot to take the most amount of rest from time to time. But somewhere along his way, dust of confusion was lurking and growing, causing this hero to lose sight of his vision. Trying to regain control over everything before him, he insistently shook them off his feet, along with them everything he used to cherish. This foul mistake cost him a lot, and now his debts are due. Our Champion is now at a loss.

But this would not stop the Beleaguered Champion from moving on. Dragging his every step, he tried to get as far as possible and settle at a new site, either regaining old visions or forming new ones. Our Beleaguered Champion had to start again.

To be continued…

. . .

Top 12 things I want to be

In no particular order.

A Movie/TV Personality

I always wanted to appear on TV and on the silver screen. It might have been a forgotten childhood dream. I always liked watching people on TV and I guess at some level I too want to be watched on screen as well.

A Theatre Performer (Singer, Dancer, Actor)

I like being watched. Uhmm, not that kind, you perv! Not being too egocentric, I just want to get attention. It's kinda ironic really but I learned in my Psychology class that I have these kinds of need, being an Type 9 - Achiever in the Enneagram and all. I guess that's why I joined the Ateneo College Glee Club, because I wanted to sing. But way back then, I didn't have enough confidence to sing on my own - singing solo. Talk about insecurity issues! Ha ha, I've had my share of those. Then I realized that I want to make a name for myself. An identity that goes along with my name - DICK. So I tried to do stage performing. That's when Entablado came into the picture. They held open auditions for the play "Buwan at Baril." It's about activism and all that. I auditioned and luckily I got in and played the role of the manggagawa (the [factory] worker). I wasn't a member of Enta when I first auditioned. The week after I joined them. I was aiming for the theatre workshops that come along with being a member, and of course the people who were in it. RIGHT! That same week, I realized I also wanted to do musical plays, after all, I always wanted to sing. Hence, I joined Blue Repertory, Ateneo's Musical Theatre Student Organization. What I great way of forging what I learned from Glee Club and what I get to pick up from Enta. BlueRep was another venue for me to hone my skills in the theatre scene. The people there are nice too, and pretty too! BUT HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO MANAGE ALL THESE?

A Good [Tango] Dancer

When I was young, I also wanted to dance but unfortunately I didn't seem to be that good at it. Although I can dance ballroom (Boogie and Tango), and a little bit of those other stuff. I wanted to enroll to a ballroom class for my PE but I there wasn't any slots left. I know I can dance, I just need more lessons to be that great.

A Hot Model

Hey, this is my dream! I can be whatever I want ok. So don’t give me that damn smirk! *end *

A Radio Disc Jockey

I was just fascinated by the idea of being someone who is heard but not seen. It kinda gives an aura of mystery in my character and personality. It can definitely get to the most hottest clubs and gimmicks and you know, all the privileges that goes along with the work. Wouldn’t it be nice if I were a DJ? I think it would.

An Artistic Photographer/Photo Editor

When I look at pictures I just imagine myself taking them and editing them to make them look awesome. I tried to do Photoshop tutorials but I feel that I still need to do things - hands-on. I think I can learn things better that way. But thinking about the costs of the materials, SLR camera, softwares, training, I'm having second thoughts now.

An Intelligent Programmer/Hacker

Ha ha! My ultimate genius dream. Not that I want to terrorize the world by sending viruses and all other pets. It's just fun to know how things (softwares, mostly games) work. Not that I want to cheat or anything, it's just nice to know how to make things run according to your rules. It's just like customizing things your way. Yeah, that's pretty much it, customizing..

A Network Administrator

Ha ha! Just another of those silly things I want to become. I don't know, maybe I want to start my own internet business or something like that. It's also great to know how to setup your own network at home and in the office! And being an administrator kinda makes me feel like a supreme being, or whatever.

A Website Designer

Well, also another of my dreams. Putting up my own website or designing other people's website would be great too. I could even get paid doing that. Wouldn't that be great. But where do I even begin?

A Flash Animator

Uhmm, I just want to know how to use Flash and know how to make Flash presentations, well, for presentations. Making animations would be fun too. Yeah, fun.

A Writer

Writing things is my way of letting things out and releasing stress. It's a good practice and it's a healthy coping mechanism. Writing great things is cool, way cooool.

A Great Lover

Who wouldn't?

On Waiting

“It’s amazing how often we miss our chances. It’s tragic how often we don’t see what’s in front of us. It’s unfortunate that we don’t get to see what might have been if we had altered our perceptions just a tiny little bit when making drastic life decisions. It’s all a big cosmic joke and yet we still sit around and idly question what led us to where we are.”

I got this from a Collin Souter, a film critic. I just finished watching ‘The Lake House’ a romantic movie about… Well, I guess you know how the story goes.

Would my life be different now if I had chosen a different course? Should I have stuck with my plan of moving out in 2005? If I had the nerve to ask you out a few more months ago, would I have watched this movie with you instead of seeing it by myself? I’ll never know and most likely I’ll never have some bizarre cosmic opportunity to find out.

“But that’s okay. I can continue to live my life and continue making choices as I see fit to make them;” still quoting from the critic, although I made some changes to suit the context, hehe… me bad, I know…

Anyway, after watching this movie, my concepts about waiting were reinforced. It must have been hard for both of them, having a time difference of two years. The guy was practically waiting for a total of four years. That’s a lot of time. But he made it through; they made it through. And it’s amazing how people take that chance and in the end see how great their leap had become. But it’s also frightening, I know, being unable to see where it will end.

It’s not always a happy ending. It’s not some kind of fairy tale we’re in that everything ends happily ever after; although here’s what I have in mind… “Who says it has to ever end?” I know love may seem like a fantasy where the pleasant feelings reside along with the unpleasant ones that are almost always overcome; but in truth love is beyond that. We create it, we let it happen. It’s there; it grows, if we just allow it, it doesn’t have to end.

I know I always keep on saying this, but waiting really holds everything together. I now realize how important patience is. Perhaps of all virtues, I may like this one better among others. We really can’t expect things to go as how we planned them. We all know that, but we can wait for it to happen. We might have doubts about it ever happening, but I always think of something to counter those doubts. I know that if ever it won’t ever happen, I’m pretty sure something better will. So in the end, there is really nothing to be afraid of. It’s just a matter of waiting.

I guess life is all about waiting. Everything we do always involves waiting; waiting for the sun to rise, waiting for the food to cook, waiting for the bus to arrive, waiting for lunch break, heck even instant noodles need 3 minutes of waiting. I’m waiting for college to be finished. I’m waiting for my next birthday. I’m waiting for a friend to return. I’m waiting for us to be together. I’m waiting for a chance to go abroad. I’m waiting for a lot of things. I know, some may not come on time, but it will, eventually. I just have to be patient. It isn’t easy; nothing really is, if you think about it.

But no matter how eternal waiting is, decisions will always have to be made. We make the choice now, but we may have to wait for the consequences, we may have to wait for the effects. As long as the choice is made, everything will eventually fall into place. We just have to be decided and pursue the choice we made. And we must never lose sight of that dream. It would just be a matter of time before it will be fulfilled. Just keep on waiting, I know I am.

R.E.J.E.C.T.I.O.N.

There is this popular belief that rejection is an all too common circumstance that everyone faces. Well, perhaps not in my case -- rejection is something I have to avoid. Ever since I was a kid, I had to prove to everybody that I was worth something. I was brought up to a life that had to have awe-inspiring achievements to be cherished. I had to excel… I had to be somebody…I had to be accepted.

I guess there is nothing wrong with that. Aiming for the best… putting everything you’ve got in every endeavor… pushing yourself to its very limits just to get there or at least have a feel of what “there” might be. I’m not blaming anybody or ranting about being tired and all… In fact I am quite happy with it. Having the discipline to reach for what might seem unreachable is not a very common trait that every person possesses. I do not quit when faced with challenges, I find a way to overcome the immeasurable gap between me and my dreams. I seldom compromise, but I never let every unsuccessful attempts get me down. Well, maybe they allow me to rethink my position and reweigh the costs, but the end result is I simply aim for victory.

Unknown to most people, one of the most negative traits I have is the fear of rejection. It’s like a major downer for me (among others). This does not necessarily mean that I am a spoiled brat always getting my way in everything. This just simply tells that as much as possible, all things I do must be acceptable or that should the majority approve of it. Perhaps the only exceptions to this are my questioned principles and beliefs. Yeah, I have a very high regard for what I believe in. I stick to what my convictions are, although I am open to possibilities. Also, I always say that I really don’t care what other people say, which mostly likely is always the case. However, being an outcast dreads me… or worse, being a reject.

Therefore, having known, I had to come up with measures to counter this fear. Unconsciously, I guess I have been doing it. Perhaps, it took me only now to realize that what I have been dong does not in any way alleviate the situation; rather, it just delay the effects. It’ like what I have been doing is like: “I can’t face them now; maybe I’ll just have to face them later or even better, I might just have forget about them.”

Where does this lead to anyway. Avoiding the feeling of rejection is a very cowardly character. It’s like contradicting what being the Immortal-Skirmisher is all about. I just have to say in my defense that it does feel better not being rejected or at least think that everybody accepts me. But I had to wake up, someday – to face reality. I am not really sure if I fully understand this reality, but I am trying my best.

* * * * *

In the end, I just have to apologize to a friend. I don’t know if you’re reading this. Just in case someone reads this, please tell her that it was so stupid of me to stay distant from her after what we’ve been through.

I have been very cold and I know it wasn’t right. I’m terribly sorry… and I miss you. I would want us to be even closer than before, but I don’t know if you are still willing. I guess it would really feel awkward but we could wok on it. I’m really sorry… I did those things to make myself at ease. It’s wasn’t easy for me to be in that situation. I just had to accept it sooner; especially now that you are leaving. I still like you.

* * * * *

But honestly, as long as I can hold on to this, I wouldn’t have to face this fear (right now) for now… If I don’t have to, I won’t… But when the time comes, which I know will, then I’d just have to be prepared.

The Immortal-Skirmisher

…Never quits…

A very noble thought… The heroism within him stems not from his brawns rather elegantly emanates from his will to achieve. The Immortal-Skirmisher is not the most daring but is neither a coward. His bravery is founded on wisdom and strengthened by faith. A noble warrior of truth yet deals with an internal battle to find truth within him as well. Fighting for what he believes is right and rational and guided by his unclouded principle, he never stands back. He is always determined; knows what he wants. Thus something denied of attention [by the Immortal-Skirmisher] does not necessarily mean it having no great significance to him. For the Immortal-Skirmisher things do matter, it’s just a question of how to much it does.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is brave but not foolish. For the brave does not strike aimlessly head on nor does the wise act without reason. Everything has been decided beforehand. Every endeavor has been carefully planned. The only curious thing is the fact that the Immortal-Skirmisher is bold to some extent. Not the risky gambler but the playful son of fate. He does not test fate rather he plays with his options, making sure that every choice is the best such that anything that could happen will not in any way harm him and others around him. Every decision has been carefully weighed in such a way that all possibilities have been checked and balanced. External consequences would then be a matter of chance.

Thus for someone who sees everything as a battle, an unending struggle, the Immortal-Skirmisher exhausts everything he has to fulfill his dreams. However, despite the name, he is not eternal. The Immortal-Skirmisher also needs a rest. Occasional breaks are necessary to cure and heal wounds, treat injuries and recover from intense feats.

The Immortal-Skirmisher rests, but he does not quit. He knows nothing but victory. This might be the best attribute the Immortal-Skirmisher possesses -- the ability to seek triumph at the pit of a fall. Starting a new climb to reach the heavens, he would learn from every unseemly turn. A fall is a fall, nothing more. It does not equate to defeat, nor does it define weakness. In the end, the Immortal-Skirmisher is nothing more than an optimistic warrior, carrying on his journey to ultimate success.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is the honorable fighter, seeking success but hopelessly avoiding adversaries. But this is reality, he meets allies, he meets foes. This has always been how it went and how it will always go. The Immortal-Skirmisher has been dealing with this reality for the longest time. It is impossible not to find a worthy opponent. There will always be a rival.

The Immortal-Skirmisher’s whole existence is a lifelong war. Every battle is a step towards the goal. Every win is a fleeting sensation that should never be dwelt in. Every fall is lesson to be learned and forever kept for utmost growth and enhanced development.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is me.

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