Almost Finished Project (for deactivation)

ヒカリ -- Hikari

(Second ending theme of フェイト／ステイナイト -- Fate/Stay Night)

Guuzen jyanai futari deaeta no wa
It isn’t coincidence that the two of us have met.

Zutto mae kara kimatteta unmei
It was a destiny decided long ago.

Me wo tojiru tabi sora wo miageru tabi ni
Every time I close my eyes, every time I look up to the sky,

Mabotoshi no youna ano hibi ga yomigaeru
Days of illusion are resurrected.

Niji wa susumu tabi ni tooku naru
The closer you get to a rainbow, the further it appears.

Dakedo aruku yo konomama
Yet, I will keep on walking like this.

Watashi ni wa mieru kimi to no ashita ga
I can see my future with you,

Kimi ni mo wakaruyo itsudatte sou
And I’m sure you can, too, like you’ve always been able to.

Kanarazu mamoruyo yakusoku shitakara
I will protect you, like I’ve promised.

Kanashii toki ni wa soba ni itaiyo
I want to be by your side in times of sadness.

Guuzen jyanai futari deaeta no wa
It isn’t coincidence that the two of us have met.

Zutto mae kara kimatteta unmei
It was a destiny decided long ago.

There is this popular belief that rejection is an all too common circumstance that everyone faces. Well, perhaps not in my case -- rejection is something I have to avoid. Ever since I was a kid, I had to prove to everybody that I was worth something. I was brought up to a life that had to have awe-inspiring achievements to be cherished. I had to excel… I had to be somebody…I had to be accepted.

I guess there is nothing wrong with that. Aiming for the best… putting everything you’ve got in every endeavor… pushing yourself to its very limits just to get there or at least have a feel of what “there” might be. I’m not blaming anybody or ranting about being tired and all… In fact I am quite happy with it. Having the discipline to reach for what might seem unreachable is not a very common trait that every person possesses. I do not quit when faced with challenges, I find a way to overcome the immeasurable gap between me and my dreams. I seldom compromise, but I never let every unsuccessful attempts get me down. Well, maybe they allow me to rethink my position and reweigh the costs, but the end result is I simply aim for victory.

Unknown to most people, one of the most negative traits I have is the fear of rejection. It’s like a major downer for me (among others). This does not necessarily mean that I am a spoiled brat always getting my way in everything. This just simply tells that as much as possible, all things I do must be acceptable or that should the majority approve of it. Perhaps the only exceptions to this are my questioned principles and beliefs. Yeah, I have a very high regard for what I believe in. I stick to what my convictions are, although I am open to possibilities. Also, I always say that I really don’t care what other people say, which mostly likely is always the case. However, being an outcast dreads me… or worse, being a reject.

Therefore, having known, I had to come up with measures to counter this fear. Unconsciously, I guess I have been doing it. Perhaps, it took me only now to realize that what I have been dong does not in any way alleviate the situation; rather, it just delay the effects. It’ like what I have been doing is like: “I can’t face them now; maybe I’ll just have to face them later or even better, I might just have forget about them.”

Where does this lead to anyway. Avoiding the feeling of rejection is a very cowardly character. It’s like contradicting what being the Immortal-Skirmisher is all about. I just have to say in my defense that it does feel better not being rejected or at least think that everybody accepts me. But I had to wake up, someday – to face reality. I am not really sure if I fully understand this reality, but I am trying my best.

* * * * *

In the end, I just have to apologize to a friend. I don’t know if you’re reading this. Just in case someone reads this, please tell her that it was so stupid of me to stay distant from her after what we’ve been through.

I have been very cold and I know it wasn’t right. I’m terribly sorry… and I miss you. I would want us to be even closer than before, but I don’t know if you are still willing. I guess it would really feel awkward but we could wok on it. I’m really sorry… I did those things to make myself at ease. It’s wasn’t easy for me to be in that situation. I just had to accept it sooner; especially now that you are leaving. I still like you.

* * * * *

But honestly, as long as I can hold on to this, I wouldn’t have to face this fear (right now) for now… If I don’t have to, I won’t… But when the time comes, which I know will, then I’d just have to be prepared.

The Immortal-Skirmisher

…Never quits…

A very noble thought… The heroism within him stems not from his brawns rather elegantly emanates from his will to achieve. The Immortal-Skirmisher is not the most daring but is neither a coward. His bravery is founded on wisdom and strengthened by faith. A noble warrior of truth yet deals with an internal battle to find truth within him as well. Fighting for what he believes is right and rational and guided by his unclouded principle, he never stands back. He is always determined; knows what he wants. Thus something denied of attention [by the Immortal-Skirmisher] does not necessarily mean it having no great significance to him. For the Immortal-Skirmisher things do matter, it’s just a question of how to much it does.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is brave but not foolish. For the brave does not strike aimlessly head on nor does the wise act without reason. Everything has been decided beforehand. Every endeavor has been carefully planned. The only curious thing is the fact that the Immortal-Skirmisher is bold to some extent. Not the risky gambler but the playful son of fate. He does not test fate rather he plays with his options, making sure that every choice is the best such that anything that could happen will not in any way harm him and others around him. Every decision has been carefully weighed in such a way that all possibilities have been checked and balanced. External consequences would then be a matter of chance.

Thus for someone who sees everything as a battle, an unending struggle, the Immortal-Skirmisher exhausts everything he has to fulfill his dreams. However, despite the name, he is not eternal. The Immortal-Skirmisher also needs a rest. Occasional breaks are necessary to cure and heal wounds, treat injuries and recover from intense feats.

The Immortal-Skirmisher rests, but he does not quit. He knows nothing but victory. This might be the best attribute the Immortal-Skirmisher possesses -- the ability to seek triumph at the pit of a fall. Starting a new climb to reach the heavens, he would learn from every unseemly turn. A fall is a fall, nothing more. It does not equate to defeat, nor does it define weakness. In the end, the Immortal-Skirmisher is nothing more than an optimistic warrior, carrying on his journey to ultimate success.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is the honorable fighter, seeking success but hopelessly avoiding adversaries. But this is reality, he meets allies, he meets foes. This has always been how it went and how it will always go. The Immortal-Skirmisher has been dealing with this reality for the longest time. It is impossible not to find a worthy opponent. There will always be a rival.

The Immortal-Skirmisher’s whole existence is a lifelong war. Every battle is a step towards the goal. Every win is a fleeting sensation that should never be dwelt in. Every fall is lesson to be learned and forever kept for utmost growth and enhanced development.

The Immortal-Skirmisher is me.

Thanks for Contacting Me!

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I will try to contact you as soon as I read it.

Always,
Dick
aka Angel Of Mayhem
http://almostfinishedproject.blogspot.com/

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