It is past midnight and I still couldn’t muster enough strength or rather drain all my energy to fall asleep. It’s one of those nights when I just have to take note of. A night full of lavishing insights, if it means something to any of you. I wish I would come to a conclusion after this, however, based on what I am feeling and thinking right now, that possibility seems bleak.

Guilt. I guess that would be what I could use to describe what and how I am feeling right now, at least on a very wide perspective. Looking at how I seem to organize my thoughts and processing the things that have happened, I seem to end at one clear reality. My need for belongingness is among the most unsatisfied need in my life right now. I had dealt with my insecurities, at least as far as I know, and asserted myself with or without acknowledgment although I wouldn’t deny that such a need is as much as important as my need for belongingness.

Allow me to segue for a few lines here. Several months ago, I’ve been in the dumps because of unimportant stuff that has been troubling me ever since. I just couldn’t quench my thirst for attention. Now isn’t that just plain sad and stupid. I realize that now, although in retrospect, it does seem important for someone of my stature and way of living. You can’t blame me for feeling this way, at least what you can do is understand why I feel this way and allow me to be how I am, otherwise, just let it pass, because c’mon, for a person of my level of I.Q., I think I’d realize how stupid it is sooner or later. Of course, unless I do something stupid, I wouldn’t make that realization, now would I?

Going back to the topic, a reality that which I have yet to unveil glinted at one instance as I lay on my bed feeling contented and yet unsatisfied for some unknown reason. The paradox drives through my very flesh and tears my bones apart along with it the very frame and structure of my wholeness, my being. It would seem irrelevant to dwell on such thoughts however, dismissing them especially now that they have grown stronger, would only be postponing an even more horrendous reality which sooner or later I would eventually have to face. I might as well deal with it now, now that my adrenaline pumping system is well and active.

Going even deeper, I have somewhat peeked at something that is yet to be fully exposed, one way or another. This possible exposition would make a tremendous instability that I fear would make me even more vulnerable than how I am right now. A part of me wants to get it over and done with as soon as possible since after the ruins, for someone like me, there is no other way but to rise and build, hopefully, an even stronger me, with stronger frames and structure, but then again, another part of me, and I would presume it is the more practical and logical side, wishes to address the root causes and fix it while it is still in a reparable state rather than allowing it to strike and face the destruction of this fort that I have forever kept erect and established. If it can be mended, if not stopped, then why would I have to suffer such a terrible loss, right?

And this leads me to the more difficult yet more interesting part of my reflection, weighing and comparing the two options which I have set for myself as of the moment. I would love to widen my horizon even further by suggesting alternatives and more sound possibilities but the fact of the unknown only brings me more anxiety, than what the givens and the known already provide.

I knew this would end in a very open and undecided ‘resolution’. But I pray that with some help, divine or otherwise, discerning what’s best would somehow come to me, in time.

Just a parenthetical note, the phrase ‘in time’ just seems so comforting; knowing the reality of some unknown reality soon coming to be a reality despite the lack of a definite time frame. It does not exclude the possibility of its realization in the ‘now’, which is a very intoxicating experience, although the possibility of its realization would probably lie somewhere between ‘now’ and ‘later’. At least one thing is for certain, it does not end in ‘never’.

Perhaps the road will still be block, at least for the moment, but I rest assured that it won’t be, ‘in time’.

2006. The year that was. What a year it was. But that was the past, so let’s leave it be and discuss something more current. As the New Year advances, changes tag along with it. As cheesy as it may sound, yes, resolutions are always there as part of our social norms regardless of whether they are kept or not. Well, for my New Year’s Resolution, holding everything else constant, I’ll be holding these new L’s constant for the rest of the year.

Let things be. Things happen, may it be for a reason or not. Although at the back of my head it would always be better if a reason was there to back those events that have happened, are happening, or will happen. Nonetheless, things happen, period. Like a growing plant, its development can’t be ceased unless we uproot it or keep it in the dark or not water it, not take care of it. Things will happen as long as we do our share for its fulfillment. Like the plant, there are always a million factors that will affect its growth like season, amount of sunshine and rain it receives, things that is out of our control. Storms may hit and who knows what it would make of our growing plant. But there are still those things that we could always do to enhance the plant’s growth. Watering it everyday and taking out the weeds and those other gardening stuff that most gardeners and plant growers do. Anyway, my point is that we must let thing be, let things happen while keeping our share of the work that is needed for its development, but not putting efforts in hastening the plant’s development or forcing them to grow more flowers and/or fruits. I’m talking about using those chemicals that speed up its growth but in return harm the environment in the process. This year, I plan to let things happen as they would without any forced intrusions or sly gestures to prompt my desired outcome. This year, I will make use of only natural processes in all my undertaking, without coercion, intimidation, or crude brute force. Things will happen if they will happen and when they will happen. Well, otherwise, they won’t. It’s as simple as that.

Learn. As these things happen (or not) there will always be something that can be gained from them happening (or not). This year, I will take every effort to learn from all events that will occur. Every thing has something to offer, it is just a mater of looking at the right places to find them.

Listen. Aside from learning, it is always wise to listen carefully and fully comprehend everything before every undertaking. And even while in the act of doing the things, it is also wise to take heed of the cautions and signs that are encountered. It is always wise to listen and take note. I guess, it’s a less hostile form of being vigilant; simply being aware and cautious.

Let go. The previous year, I have been so attached to things that I tend to clutter them with me. This year, I will have to let go of things or rather not getting too attached to them so as it would be easy to let them go once it starts to clutter and get messy. Letting go has always been my problem because I always have this sad notion that I won’t be able to find something as good as what I have now. I have been so afraid that I will lose so much in letting things go, leaving them behind, throwing them out. But I guess, it would ease the clutter with less things attached to me (especially material things; these things tend to stack up inside my room). So this year, I will be less attached to them and place them all behind me.

Ceteris Paribus. This phrase is Latin for “all else held constant.” But this year, I will hold these other L’s – Letting things be, Learning, Listening and Letting go – constant throughout the year (I hope). Anyway, I hope that with these new stuffs incorporated in my lifestyle would make my 2007 more exciting. If I find them to my liking then I’d keep them for the next year and the next and the next. Otherwise, I don’t have to worry, I have many more New Years to celebrate and resolve.

End.

Isn’t it funny how you look at the night sky, serene and peaceful and yet you don’t see anything but the moon and the night clouds lazily floating about? And then you blissfully search for those brightest shining stars and yet you just don’t see any. But then all of a sudden a small glint catches your eyes and then you realize that there is but one star that shines faintly. So you try to make sense of that shining star, then slowly it glows more and more, twinkling each second that passes by and you just can’t help but be amazed at how you were able to take heed of its faint glow only when the brightest stars you were searching for can no longer be found, that all the time you knew that a star is there somewhere , in the vast endlessness of the night sky, waiting for you to take notice of its humble yet magnificent shine, but you fail to realize it because you were stuck and glued to searching for one bright star among the many that are as bright, that one bright star that may no longer even exist.

A few nights ago, I got out of bed and went to the riverbank, laid on my back, and stared at the sky. I knew I was waiting for that star, kinda like hoping incessantly to catch a falling star. It’s somewhat stupid really, when you know the odds of catching a falling star is minimal, how much more when you are actually expectantly waiting for a specific star to fall. A hopeless scenario, more like sad really.

After two hours of searching, waiting, hoping, and getting frustrated, disappointed, sad, and hurt, I got up and went back to bed and slept through the rest of my hellish ordeal.

I guess it’s just how it is. You have to love and get hurt, and get hurt until it’s numb, and feel numb until you don’t feel love nor hurt at all. Then you start to fall in love again, and hope that this time it would be for good, if not for better.

That’s when you realize that there are a lot more stars in the heavens above us. We just have to make sure that we never tire ourselves from constantly searching and being open to see what the night sky would have to offer. Once you see at least one more star, smile and be glad that you have found yet another gem in the sky, something that would be cherished and loved for the rest of this next chapter of our lives.

Holding on is essential only when you are certain that what you are holding on to is an immovable stretch of the boundless sky. Otherwise our hold would be weak and would not be enough to keep us whole. Thus learn to let go, for in letting go we acknowledge our weakness, and faith in ourselves that it is not only through this part of the sky that we can anchor our lives to. Definitely, the night sky is limitless and no one can stop us from anchoring ourselves on to another more firm and stable part.

What would you do? It’s tiring as it can be. What with all the stress that’s lurking everywhere ready to pounce anytime. You can never really be too careful these days. Anyone, not to mention everyone, could be it. We can never really know. How much would it take for me to see what lies ahead so that I won’t have to worry about tomorrow? I know it’s futile to worry about what will be rather than expending more time and effort resolving what is. But that’s the problem, instead of enjoying what is, I spend more time worrying and looking for ways to alleviate pain of yesterday that’s causing more problems today.

The Beleaguered Champion seeks to find a place to rest. Under the tree of answers, he wishes to lie underneath its shade. But in the scorching heat vast desert that he has traveled, in the viciousness of the jungle he’s been through, in the depths of the dark abyss, nothing but a void and empty space lies before him. It’s even more disturbing for despite its barrenness, there is always and there will always be something that will push him to the edge.

The Beleaguered Champion started by spending a tremendous amount of time training for what may lie ahead in his life’s adventure. Giving everything he has to offer, this hero wanted to be at his best when he faces the demons and monsters on his way. Nothing could possibly stop him and nothing will.

The Beleaguered Champion went into the immense ocean of oceans. There he met other champions just as he; eager and determined to topple every barrier that may come there way. However, in spite of the immensity of this area, there were only a few possible paths to take. And only a few would be able to go through it. Before this Champion knew it, he was fighting for his slim chance and his inalienable right to passage, against the others that came before and even after him. This isn’t a very pleasant sight. The steady flow of knights treading water was now drenched in thick blood drowning in their own despair.

Despite the horror, the Beleaguered Champion went on his way; weary from that great feat. He knew too well, that it wasn’t going to be the last. He knew that in every other field, battles have to be fought, won, and forgotten. Loss; he knew no such thing. In every step he makes, victory was his vision, faith was his shield, and hope was his sword. Coated in an armor of well-forged skill, no one can bring him down.

The Beleaguered Champion went on this excruciating journey, seeking the most appropriate spot to take the most amount of rest from time to time. But somewhere along his way, dust of confusion was lurking and growing, causing this hero to lose sight of his vision. Trying to regain control over everything before him, he insistently shook them off his feet, along with them everything he used to cherish. This foul mistake cost him a lot, and now his debts are due. Our Champion is now at a loss.

But this would not stop the Beleaguered Champion from moving on. Dragging his every step, he tried to get as far as possible and settle at a new site, either regaining old visions or forming new ones. Our Beleaguered Champion had to start again.

To be continued…

In no particular order.

A Movie/TV Personality

I always wanted to appear on TV and on the silver screen. It might have been a forgotten childhood dream. I always liked watching people on TV and I guess at some level I too want to be watched on screen as well.

A Theatre Performer (Singer, Dancer, Actor)

I like being watched. Uhmm, not that kind, you perv! Not being too egocentric, I just want to get attention. It's kinda ironic really but I learned in my Psychology class that I have these kinds of need, being an Type 9 - Achiever in the Enneagram and all. I guess that's why I joined the Ateneo College Glee Club, because I wanted to sing. But way back then, I didn't have enough confidence to sing on my own - singing solo. Talk about insecurity issues! Ha ha, I've had my share of those. Then I realized that I want to make a name for myself. An identity that goes along with my name - DICK. So I tried to do stage performing. That's when Entablado came into the picture. They held open auditions for the play "Buwan at Baril." It's about activism and all that. I auditioned and luckily I got in and played the role of the manggagawa (the [factory] worker). I wasn't a member of Enta when I first auditioned. The week after I joined them. I was aiming for the theatre workshops that come along with being a member, and of course the people who were in it. RIGHT! That same week, I realized I also wanted to do musical plays, after all, I always wanted to sing. Hence, I joined Blue Repertory, Ateneo's Musical Theatre Student Organization. What I great way of forging what I learned from Glee Club and what I get to pick up from Enta. BlueRep was another venue for me to hone my skills in the theatre scene. The people there are nice too, and pretty too! BUT HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO MANAGE ALL THESE?

A Good [Tango] Dancer

When I was young, I also wanted to dance but unfortunately I didn't seem to be that good at it. Although I can dance ballroom (Boogie and Tango), and a little bit of those other stuff. I wanted to enroll to a ballroom class for my PE but I there wasn't any slots left. I know I can dance, I just need more lessons to be that great.

A Hot Model

Hey, this is my dream! I can be whatever I want ok. So don’t give me that damn smirk! *end *

A Radio Disc Jockey

I was just fascinated by the idea of being someone who is heard but not seen. It kinda gives an aura of mystery in my character and personality. It can definitely get to the most hottest clubs and gimmicks and you know, all the privileges that goes along with the work. Wouldn’t it be nice if I were a DJ? I think it would.

An Artistic Photographer/Photo Editor

When I look at pictures I just imagine myself taking them and editing them to make them look awesome. I tried to do Photoshop tutorials but I feel that I still need to do things - hands-on. I think I can learn things better that way. But thinking about the costs of the materials, SLR camera, softwares, training, I'm having second thoughts now.

An Intelligent Programmer/Hacker

Ha ha! My ultimate genius dream. Not that I want to terrorize the world by sending viruses and all other pets. It's just fun to know how things (softwares, mostly games) work. Not that I want to cheat or anything, it's just nice to know how to make things run according to your rules. It's just like customizing things your way. Yeah, that's pretty much it, customizing..

A Network Administrator

Ha ha! Just another of those silly things I want to become. I don't know, maybe I want to start my own internet business or something like that. It's also great to know how to setup your own network at home and in the office! And being an administrator kinda makes me feel like a supreme being, or whatever.

A Website Designer

Well, also another of my dreams. Putting up my own website or designing other people's website would be great too. I could even get paid doing that. Wouldn't that be great. But where do I even begin?

A Flash Animator

Uhmm, I just want to know how to use Flash and know how to make Flash presentations, well, for presentations. Making animations would be fun too. Yeah, fun.

A Writer

Writing things is my way of letting things out and releasing stress. It's a good practice and it's a healthy coping mechanism. Writing great things is cool, way cooool.

A Great Lover

Who wouldn't?