What would you do? It’s tiring as it can be. What with all the stress that’s lurking everywhere ready to pounce anytime. You can never really be too careful these days. Anyone, not to mention everyone, could be it. We can never really know. How much would it take for me to see what lies ahead so that I won’t have to worry about tomorrow? I know it’s futile to worry about what will be rather than expending more time and effort resolving what is. But that’s the problem, instead of enjoying what is, I spend more time worrying and looking for ways to alleviate pain of yesterday that’s causing more problems today.

The Beleaguered Champion seeks to find a place to rest. Under the tree of answers, he wishes to lie underneath its shade. But in the scorching heat vast desert that he has traveled, in the viciousness of the jungle he’s been through, in the depths of the dark abyss, nothing but a void and empty space lies before him. It’s even more disturbing for despite its barrenness, there is always and there will always be something that will push him to the edge.

The Beleaguered Champion started by spending a tremendous amount of time training for what may lie ahead in his life’s adventure. Giving everything he has to offer, this hero wanted to be at his best when he faces the demons and monsters on his way. Nothing could possibly stop him and nothing will.

The Beleaguered Champion went into the immense ocean of oceans. There he met other champions just as he; eager and determined to topple every barrier that may come there way. However, in spite of the immensity of this area, there were only a few possible paths to take. And only a few would be able to go through it. Before this Champion knew it, he was fighting for his slim chance and his inalienable right to passage, against the others that came before and even after him. This isn’t a very pleasant sight. The steady flow of knights treading water was now drenched in thick blood drowning in their own despair.

Despite the horror, the Beleaguered Champion went on his way; weary from that great feat. He knew too well, that it wasn’t going to be the last. He knew that in every other field, battles have to be fought, won, and forgotten. Loss; he knew no such thing. In every step he makes, victory was his vision, faith was his shield, and hope was his sword. Coated in an armor of well-forged skill, no one can bring him down.

The Beleaguered Champion went on this excruciating journey, seeking the most appropriate spot to take the most amount of rest from time to time. But somewhere along his way, dust of confusion was lurking and growing, causing this hero to lose sight of his vision. Trying to regain control over everything before him, he insistently shook them off his feet, along with them everything he used to cherish. This foul mistake cost him a lot, and now his debts are due. Our Champion is now at a loss.

But this would not stop the Beleaguered Champion from moving on. Dragging his every step, he tried to get as far as possible and settle at a new site, either regaining old visions or forming new ones. Our Beleaguered Champion had to start again.

To be continued…

In no particular order.

A Movie/TV Personality

I always wanted to appear on TV and on the silver screen. It might have been a forgotten childhood dream. I always liked watching people on TV and I guess at some level I too want to be watched on screen as well.

A Theatre Performer (Singer, Dancer, Actor)

I like being watched. Uhmm, not that kind, you perv! Not being too egocentric, I just want to get attention. It's kinda ironic really but I learned in my Psychology class that I have these kinds of need, being an Type 9 - Achiever in the Enneagram and all. I guess that's why I joined the Ateneo College Glee Club, because I wanted to sing. But way back then, I didn't have enough confidence to sing on my own - singing solo. Talk about insecurity issues! Ha ha, I've had my share of those. Then I realized that I want to make a name for myself. An identity that goes along with my name - DICK. So I tried to do stage performing. That's when Entablado came into the picture. They held open auditions for the play "Buwan at Baril." It's about activism and all that. I auditioned and luckily I got in and played the role of the manggagawa (the [factory] worker). I wasn't a member of Enta when I first auditioned. The week after I joined them. I was aiming for the theatre workshops that come along with being a member, and of course the people who were in it. RIGHT! That same week, I realized I also wanted to do musical plays, after all, I always wanted to sing. Hence, I joined Blue Repertory, Ateneo's Musical Theatre Student Organization. What I great way of forging what I learned from Glee Club and what I get to pick up from Enta. BlueRep was another venue for me to hone my skills in the theatre scene. The people there are nice too, and pretty too! BUT HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO MANAGE ALL THESE?

A Good [Tango] Dancer

When I was young, I also wanted to dance but unfortunately I didn't seem to be that good at it. Although I can dance ballroom (Boogie and Tango), and a little bit of those other stuff. I wanted to enroll to a ballroom class for my PE but I there wasn't any slots left. I know I can dance, I just need more lessons to be that great.

A Hot Model

Hey, this is my dream! I can be whatever I want ok. So don’t give me that damn smirk! *end *

A Radio Disc Jockey

I was just fascinated by the idea of being someone who is heard but not seen. It kinda gives an aura of mystery in my character and personality. It can definitely get to the most hottest clubs and gimmicks and you know, all the privileges that goes along with the work. Wouldn’t it be nice if I were a DJ? I think it would.

An Artistic Photographer/Photo Editor

When I look at pictures I just imagine myself taking them and editing them to make them look awesome. I tried to do Photoshop tutorials but I feel that I still need to do things - hands-on. I think I can learn things better that way. But thinking about the costs of the materials, SLR camera, softwares, training, I'm having second thoughts now.

An Intelligent Programmer/Hacker

Ha ha! My ultimate genius dream. Not that I want to terrorize the world by sending viruses and all other pets. It's just fun to know how things (softwares, mostly games) work. Not that I want to cheat or anything, it's just nice to know how to make things run according to your rules. It's just like customizing things your way. Yeah, that's pretty much it, customizing..

A Network Administrator

Ha ha! Just another of those silly things I want to become. I don't know, maybe I want to start my own internet business or something like that. It's also great to know how to setup your own network at home and in the office! And being an administrator kinda makes me feel like a supreme being, or whatever.

A Website Designer

Well, also another of my dreams. Putting up my own website or designing other people's website would be great too. I could even get paid doing that. Wouldn't that be great. But where do I even begin?

A Flash Animator

Uhmm, I just want to know how to use Flash and know how to make Flash presentations, well, for presentations. Making animations would be fun too. Yeah, fun.

A Writer

Writing things is my way of letting things out and releasing stress. It's a good practice and it's a healthy coping mechanism. Writing great things is cool, way cooool.

A Great Lover

Who wouldn't?

After pathetically browsing through some of my friends' blogs and photos (pathetically), and oh did I mention it was so pathetic? I didn’t have to hide myself from their radars by reading it under some other fictitious account with a very suspicious sounding name and a photo of some celebrity (how sad!). But not as sad as those other more pathetic people who just make an account without any photo, no nothing whatsoever and use it to stalk people. And c’mon. What for? You slimy balls of bitches. Oh wait, do bitches have balls? I just made that up so live with it! Anyway (after that very uber long parenthetical thought), I’ve realized a few things. I have some issues. Wait, make that a lot of issues. And please don’t tell me this is an emo blog entry, coz it’s not! Shit that’s one more issue on my list.

What’s gotten into me? I’ve become the world’s, oh wait make that the Universe’s (World’s) Most Pathetic Guy with Issues. Crap, it sounds so annoying and wrong. Just the thought of it makes me sick. Rambling! Ding!

Next thought. I just had to stop myself. I can’t dwell on those kinds of stuff, they’ll just make me feel sad, and then before I realize it, I have a knife on my hand and a cut wrist on the same hand. Now that’s something. Just a quick question. Who among you here can hold a knife in one hand? I see a lot can do that. Good job! But who among you can hold a knife in one hand and cut your wrist on the same hand at the same time. If you can do that, don’t bother telling me coz that’s just too freaky!

I watched an episode of some sitcom in StarWorld a while ago. And the guy is marrying his girlfriend-bestfriend. Oh nothing, it just got me thinking for a minute there.

Break. I just couldn’t let myself sink in to stuff that matters. Well, to me it doesn’t matter at the moment I’m thinking about it, but when I get back to it, it suddenly feels important. I think this is the real experience of thought. Something that just keeps on flowing, but then somewhere amidst the gushing of ideas, a mere glint of what was astoundingly fills the whole void that is. Rambling!

This is me, with no sleep and no _____ (I just couldn’t say it… You fill in the blank!). Life’s more than this, I’m sure! But what more can I get? What more do I deserve? Ha! Stupid thing to ask! Might as well strike a pencil through my throat and see if it kills me. Damn, what with all this allusion to death? Have I gone insane after how many months of no blogging? Just letting all these inside bottling up and waiting to explode but can’t coz _____ (Again, you fill in the blank)…

I’ve been a mess, and I’ll be a mess if I won’t do anything about it. Accepting it is something, even if it doesn’t really take any physical actions, it still counts as doing something. But then again, if I just let it as it were, then where’s the human intervention in there that should almost always cross the path of fate. That’s what we humans are right? A cross-point of the what is and what ought to be. But where am I going to start? At what is? Or at what ought to be?

Jarhead

sa direksyon ni Sam Mendes

“A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands, love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper; his hands remember the rifle.” – Anothony “Swoff” Swofford (Jake Gyllenhaal)

Ito ang mga salitang maririnig sa simula ng pelikulang “Jarhead.” Sang-ayon sa pananaw ni Kerazim Kohak, ang mga salitang ito ang sumasalamin sa pagbubuklod ng kawal at ng kanyang baril. Isa itong samahang nabubuo sapagkat ayon kay Kohak, ang tao, na may bukod-tanging katangian bilang isang puntong-tagpuan ng magkasalikop na dimensyon ng katalagahan at ng walang-hanggan, ay may kakayahang makatunog sa saysay ng walang-hangang kahalagahan ng mga bagay na may hangganan, at dahil dito ay nakakayanan niyang pangibabawan ang hangganan ng bagay na ito nang sa gayon ay lumalampas ang halaga nito tungo sa kawalang-hanggan. Sa simula pa lamang, naipapakita na na kahit anuman ang maaaring gawin ng kawal na ito gamit ang kanyang kamay, ay maaalala’t maaalala pa rin niya ang ripleng kanyang ginamit at inangkin bilang bahagi na ng kanyang sarili dahil mayroon silang pinagsamahan nabuo at napagyaman ng panahon; simula sa pagsasanay patungo sa digmaan hanggang sa uwian. Ayon nga sa sabi nila, “This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. Without my rifle, I am nothing. Without me, my rifle is nothing.”

Kaagad naman itong susundan ng mga eksena ng pagsasanay ng bidang si Anthony Swofford kasama ang kanyang mga kasamahan sa ilalim ng pamumuno ni Staff Sgt. Sykes. Dito naman madalas naipapakita ang buong batalyon ng mga nagsasanay na mga kawal. Kahawig sa karanasan ni Antione Roquentin na naisalaysay niya sa kanyang tala-arawan na Nausea (isang nobelang gawa ni Jean-Paul Sartre), nawawala sila sa kanikanilang mga sariling pagkakakilanlan. Sa mga eksenang ito tumitingkad ang magkakaparehong hubog ng kanilang mga katawan, magkakaparehong uniporme, at magkakaparehong gupit ng buhok, na kung titingnan sa malayo ay nalulusaw ang kanilang identidad at nagmumukhang iisa silang lahat na makakahalo sa iisang pagkakalahok, kagaya ng pagtingin ni Antione Roquentin sa pag-iral nang siya ay namulat nang ito ay nagsimulang maglantad sa kanyang harapan.

Sa mga eksena ng kanilang pagsasanay naipapakita ang kanilang pagiging “in the way” sa isa’t isa. In the way. Sa lupang kanilang tinatakbuhan at ginagapangan, sa mga damuhang kanilang pinagtataguan, o hindi kaya ay sa mga asintahang in the way sa ripleng kanilang ginagamit.

Nang magsimula Operation Desert Shield, sila ay ipinadala sa disyerto ng Saudi Arabia, isang lugar na bago at hindi pamilyar sa kanila, kaya kinailangan nila itong kilalanin, at sila man din ay kailangan ding masanay sa ganitong panibagong pook. Kailangan nilang uminon ng maraming tubig sapagkat napakainit sa lugar na ito, hindi kagaya ng nakasanayan nila. Kailangan nilang magsanay sa ganitong uri ng panahon at klima, habang binabantayan nila ang mga langis ng lugar na iyon. Kung titingnan natin ito sa pananaw ni Kohak, ito marahil ang pag-aangkin sa pook at yaman nito bilang isang pag-aari lamang. Hindi nabibigyang halaga ang responsibilidad ng tao na pagyamanin ang samahan nila at ng kalikasan. Ginagawa nila ang mga gawaing ito hindi dahil nais nilang manirahan o alagaan ang lugar na iyon kundi bantayan lamang ang likas na yaman doon nang hindi manakaw ng kalaban. Ang ganito uri ng pag-iisip ay taliwas sa mabuting pag-iral ng tao sa mundo. Subalit ipinapakita ng pelikula na sa mundo ng digmaan, sa simula ay nawawalan ng saysay ang ganoong relasyon ng sundalo sa mundong kanyang kinalalagyan. Kung hindi nila matutunang mahalin ang mga bagay na nangyayari sa kanilang dinadayuhan, ay mawawala lamang ang saysay nito pagkaraan ng panahon. Kaya kailangan din linangin at pagyamanin ng mga sundalo ang relasyon nila sa kanilang kainalalagyan, gayon din sa pagbubuklod nila sa isa’t isa.

Ngunit kung, titingnan naman natin ang Operation Desert Shield sa pananaw ni Sartre, napapakitang absurdo ang operasyong ito. Nagsasanay sila para kalabanin ang mga kalaban na hindi nila alam kung kalian sasalakay. Tumatakbo sila sa ilalim ng sikat ng mainit na araw na naka-uniporme nang napakakapal. Pumapatrolya sila sa disyertong wala namang laman, na mistulang may mga kalaban sa malapit at minsan ay umaarte silang kunwaring inaatake. Nagtatapon sila ng mga granada sa wala, at tumitira sa wala. Nag-aabang sila sa mga kalaban na hindi na hindi nila alam kung kalian darating.

Simula dito ay naramdaman ko na rin ang pagiging absurdo ng buong kaganapan. Sa pagdaan ng mga araw na naging ilang buwan na rin ay nakakasuka ang paghihintay ng mga kalaban na hindi naman nila matukoy kung darating ba o hindi. Halong pangamba at pag-aalinlangan ang aking naramdaman. Naalibadbaran ako sa walang katiyakan ng mga maaring maganap. Nasa gitna ng disyerto ang mga sundalong ito, sa gitna ng kawalan. Hindi nila matiyak kung ano ang susunod na maaring mangyari. Kung titingnan ang pelikulang “Jarhead” sa pananaw ni Sartre, gaya ng pag-iral, ang pagiging isang jarhead din ay absurdo.

Subalit hindi ko rin maipagkakaila, na ang mga pananaw ni Kohak ay mas lumilitaw at mas sumasalamin ng mga kaganapan sa pelikulang ito. Ayon kay Kohak, makatwiran ang pag-iral ng tao. At sa pananaw ko, ang pagiging isang sundalo ay makatwiran din kahit malabo ang mundo ng digmaan at kaguluhan. Nailalarawan ng pagiging jarhead ang pagiging puntong-tagpuan ng tao sa mundo ng katalagahan at ng mundo ng walang-hanggan. May kakahayang makakutob ang mga sundalong ito ng mga mabubuti, makatotohanan at makatarungan, kung kaya’t alam nilang pumili ng mga bagay na mahalaga sa kanila ayon sa dimensyon ng katalagahan, kahit na walang-hangganan ang halaga ng lahat ng mga bagay sa dimensyon ng walang-katapusan.

Naniniwala tayong ang tao ang tanging nilalang na nakikisangkot sa pag-iral ng sang-umiiral, at hindi lamang bastang pakikisangkot ang ginagawa ng tao, sapagkat makahulugan ang pakikisangkot nito sa mundong nagpaparamdam. Nakikita ng tao ang walang-hanggang halaga ng mga bagay na may hangganan. Kung kaya nakakakutob siya sa moralidad ng mga bagay at gawain sapagkat may angkin siyang kakayahang makatunog nito. Ang mga katanungan tungkol sa moralidad ng mga gawain ng mga sunadalo ay walang katapusan. Ang mga sundalong ito ay palagi ring nagmumuni-muni tungkol sa kanilang mga ginagawa. Isa itong napakahirap na gawain sapagkat kinikilala nila na lahat ng bagay ay may angking walang-hangang halaga sa punto de vista ng walang-hanggan. Kaya kung walang dimensyon ng katalagahang nauukol sa panahon, napakahirap ng pagpili ng mga dapat gawin, sapagkat ang lahat ay magkakapantay ng halaga. Sa dimensyon ng katalagahan, nagkakaroon ng kaukulang kahalagahan ang mga bagay.

Sa isang digmaan, kailangan ng sundalong pumatay ng kalaban, kundi siya ang papatayin nito. Sa mundo ng katalagahan mahalagang pumatay ang sundalo ng kalaban, subalit alam niyang ang buhay ng taong kanyang pinatay ay magiging isang trahedya sa mundo ng walang-katapusan. Subalit sa pelikula, hindi nagkaroon ng pagkakataong pumatay ang ating bida. Na kung titingnan natin, ay yaon sana ang oras ng kanyang dakilang karangalan, ang makapatumba ng isang kalabang may mataas ang ranggo.

Kung ranggo naman ang paguusapan, makikita nating ang mga sundalo ay may iba-ibang ranggo. Pinapakita lamang nito na may kaukulang kaibahan ng halaga ang mga sundalo ayon sa kanilang ranggo sa order of time. Subalit sa order of eternity, lahat ng mga subdalo ay magkakapantay ng halaga, kahalagahang walang-katapusan. Kaya sa isang digmaan, ang may mataas na ranggo ang pinapahalagahang sagipin ngunit ang kamatayan naman ng may mababang ranggo ay isang trahedya pa rin.

Sa huli, sinasalamin pa lalo ang pananaw ni Kohak sa pelikula sa muling pagbanggit ng mga katagang binanggit sa simula ng palabas. At dinagdagan niya ito:

…[H]e will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.

Sa mga salitang ito, tumitingkad ang pagbubuklod ng sundalong ito sa disyertong kanyang pinuntahan, sa mga taong kanyang nakasama, at hindi lamang sa baril na kanyang tinuring na bahagi ng kanyang pagiging jarhead. Pinatunyan ng pelikula na ang sundalo, gaya ng tao, ay may angking kakayahang makutuban, kilalanin, linangin, pagyamanin at mahalin ang mga bakas ng walang-hanggan halaga ng kanyang karanasan sa digmaan sa disyerto kasama ang kanyang pinuno, ang kanyang mga kapwa sundalo, at ang kanyang riple. Hindi lamang nananatiling pag-aari ang mga ito, kundi lumalampas ang halaga ng mga ito sa dimensyon ng walang-katapusan. At kahit na mamatay o mawala man ang mga ito sa takdang panahon, sapagkat napatingkad na niya ang halaga ng mga ito, ay hindi sila mamamatay o mawawala at sa halip ay mananatili sila sa mundo ng walang-hangan.

VERSE 1:
Inspiration strikes
The moment I gaze at you
Every word I speak
Shares a part of you
It might have been love
But I can never really know
This is pain I feel
But why is this so?

CHORUS:
Let the pain go away
Throw all bitterness and rage
It's no longer in my hands
I don't have any place to stay
Let the pain fade away
Let time have its way
Only then can I realize
If the feelings should go or stay

VERSE 2:
Every glance
Makes my world move slow
But the words you said
Crushed my very soul
I know it is love
That can no longer be
I just feel the pain
Don't you feel it too?

BRIDGE:
I've had my chance
I blew it faultlessly
Every move was my mistake
And now it's time to pay
Once it was love
Turned into pain

You know what's great?
It’s being pushed aside like
dirt being swept away by
a hag from her dusty
cabin.
But just because I’m smaller
than dirt doesn’t mean they
can treat me any less
than those with gold and
silver.
I know they deserve better.
I know that now.
And a mere speckle like
me is no match to
those kings and princes surrounding
them.

You know what’s nice?
It’s being talked to like
a parasite leeching from
some other guy’s
rewards.
But they know I’m not.
I know I’m not.
They should even know better,
or they should not have
spoken to me at all.

You know what’s awesome?
It’s being nice but get
unappreciated.
Life’s unfair, I should
have known that.
I should have known better.
No wonder it has become
a cliché.
But I can’t take this
crap from life.
I never sowed crap,
why should I reap crap?

I know what’s great!
I know what’s nice!
I know what’s awesome!
How about I serve you
a meal with your words
on it?
Oh someday,
you’ll gonna have to eat
them.
Take them back
or you’ll be having
the best dish
of your life.

It is highly probable that at some point in our lives, we come to a crossroad where make decisions from where our next journey would have to spring from. These are the turning points of our lives that every choice we make is crucial for our future voyage. A single mistake would eventually lead us to dead end, a very wearing thing to happen. We could retrace our steps or just continue on another path and hope that somehow; our destination is just around the corner. Nonetheless, it all starts at that critical moment.

At that moment, it is best to first, stop and congratulate yourself for coming this far. But always remember that this is merely a crossroad, a mere break from the unending walk of life. Never fall for the trap of what I like to call, the “Fool’s Goal.” Discern whether this is what you were aiming for. As far as I’m concerned, this is just a momentary halt, for me to check my progress and determine what move to do next. Then look and listen to everything around you. That is how you can gather information about your current standing. Be sensitive and be observant. That is how we can properly assess our next move. Then go for it. No holding back now. It’s the perfect time to take the plunge.

This part is the most critical part, because this is where you take the risk. The plunge is the gamble, for we never know whether we’d land on our feet or land on our head (Ouch!) but we just do it. It’s the faith that allows us to take it. It is that mindset that keeps us bold in every crossroads we face.

“EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT FOR ME.” That’s what I’d like to think. Nothing can harm me, nothing can hurt me. Every step I take is a step closer to everything I ever dreamed of. Every move I make is a journey towards my goal. True, I may have fallen and stumbled several times but those were all part of the design. It was intended to be there to teach me how to stand and get back on my feet.

I have ceased for a long while now, for I have dreaded this moment where I have to face this conundrum. I have stopped and moved on, stopped and moved on. This time, will be different. There will be no stopping me now. I now believe that no matter what road I choose, I will get there, roadblocks and dead ends included. I may get lost or I may stray but at the end of the day, I will be where I am supposed to be.

That is my resolve.