I should have left but I stayed. There is no one else to blame but me. I put myself into this mess and now I’m paying the price. Was it all worth it? I’m thinking how I somehow knew this would be a possibility before I jumped into it and took that risk. And how I could console myself with those moments in case this would eventually happen? But I don’t know where to begin making myself feel better. I’ve never been in a predicament as low as this ever. And I don’t know how to get out from it. I’ve been so alone since. I don’t even know what lesson to from this experience. All I could hope for is for something better to happen. But for now, I could do nothing but endure this weight I’m carrying.

How could I even lighten this load? It seems so certain that I can’t just put it down and leave it all behind. I can’t find anyone to hold on to. I’ve lost everyone. I’d really like to think that because I knew you, I have been changed for good. But it’s just so hard to accept it when you know I haven’t.

I need an overhaul; a drastic remake. I can’t go on like this anymore.

THROUGH GOD WHO STRENGTHENS ME, EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT FOR ME; SO THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS, I’LL DEFINITELY ENJOY IT.

Call me crazy but I think these are the moments of my life when I have nothing else to do (Oh crap! My lab report..!) but sulk and bathe myself in extreme thought and ponder upon things that just pop in my mind. Christmas break just started and most of the people already went home. Here in the boarding house, the once crowded and busy place soon began to quite down as media players are turned off, television sets shut, and rooms closed and locked. People have allowed themselves, including their very presence, to be carried off with the spirit of Christmas.

It’s hard to follow them when a lot of stuff still lingers in my mind. The Christmas caroling rush of the Glee Club has now ended, and so the nights end so soon awaiting yet another Christmas morning of peace and solitude.

I busy myself with writing blogs and allow myself to explore the inner depths of my mind. A coping mechanism I’ve been using ever since I started my college years although recently, due to non-stop exams, projects, reports and whatnot, my blogging days have unfortunately ceased. Now that the attacks from my professors have ended, I now have more than enough time to busy myself with writing stuff down.

It just goes to show that I’m totally bored and have nothing to do, except perhaps clean my room and other non fun stuff. I could buy me a new PC game, coz I’ve always wanted to try out the latest installment of Need for Speed, I just don’t know if my PC would meet the demands of the game. Soon, I’ll get my chance to play it. Right now, I’ll just squeeze out everything that I could from this not-so-drained brain of mine.

Anyway, just this morning I woke up with a very pleasant dream. Would you believe it? I met my next girlfriend. She’s a friend’s friend whom I met at a friend’s birthday party. She’s about my height, sexy, as in not fat and not even chubby but not too skinny either, with long shiny hair and a very sexy smile. I’ll know her coz she has a younger brother whom I cursed at for doing something I bleakly remember, I think he took a book or something. A book for God’s sake and yes, I cursed him for that, before I realized he was my next girlfriend’s brother. Good job Dick!

At least I felt what I have been missing these past few years. At least at some point of my life right now, that spark still is alive. Another dream is yet to become a reality. I’ll be meeting her soon. And when I do, it will be heaven all the way. She’s been waiting for me as well, and if someone like her found someone like me, then everything would never be the same. Our hearts would take wing and we’d feel so alive. There’d be a new way to live, a new life to love, coz we’ve found each other.

Haha! Sounds familiar. But I’ll console myself with that thought. Now that I’ve been losing hope each day that passes. I would want to find a new light to follow. A new hope to hold on to. At least for now, before I return and become a better me.

Ika nga nila, ang buhay ay parang gulong… Wala lang, parang gulong lang. Gusto mo parang bubong? Sige, ang buhay ay parang bubong… Hehe! Ismayl ka na lang!

NAKASALALAY NA KABULUHAN NG ISA SA ISA
[1] Paradise Now. Directed by Hany Abu-Assad. Performed by Ali Suliman, Lubna Azabal Kais Nashif. 2005.
[2] Dy, Manuel B. Jr. “Kamayatan ayon kay Martin Heidegger.” From Philosophy of Man I Readings (selected by Marc Oliver Pasco), 162.
[3] Ibid., 163.
[4] Ibid.
[5] Ibid., 165.
[6] Kavanaugh, John F. S.J. “Human Freedom.” In Philosophy of Man: Selected Readings, Manuel B. Dy Jr., (Quezon City: Goodwill Trading Company, 1986), 158.
[7] Sartre, Jean-Paul. Existentialism and Human Emotion. (New Jersey: Citadel Press. 1984), 122.
[8] Ibid.
[9] Johann, Robert. “The Way to Freedom.” In Philosophy of Man: Selected Readings, Manuel B. Dy Jr. (Quezon City: Good will Trading Company, 1986), 184.

It is past midnight and I still couldn’t muster enough strength or rather drain all my energy to fall asleep. It’s one of those nights when I just have to take note of. A night full of lavishing insights, if it means something to any of you. I wish I would come to a conclusion after this, however, based on what I am feeling and thinking right now, that possibility seems bleak.

Guilt. I guess that would be what I could use to describe what and how I am feeling right now, at least on a very wide perspective. Looking at how I seem to organize my thoughts and processing the things that have happened, I seem to end at one clear reality. My need for belongingness is among the most unsatisfied need in my life right now. I had dealt with my insecurities, at least as far as I know, and asserted myself with or without acknowledgment although I wouldn’t deny that such a need is as much as important as my need for belongingness.

Allow me to segue for a few lines here. Several months ago, I’ve been in the dumps because of unimportant stuff that has been troubling me ever since. I just couldn’t quench my thirst for attention. Now isn’t that just plain sad and stupid. I realize that now, although in retrospect, it does seem important for someone of my stature and way of living. You can’t blame me for feeling this way, at least what you can do is understand why I feel this way and allow me to be how I am, otherwise, just let it pass, because c’mon, for a person of my level of I.Q., I think I’d realize how stupid it is sooner or later. Of course, unless I do something stupid, I wouldn’t make that realization, now would I?

Going back to the topic, a reality that which I have yet to unveil glinted at one instance as I lay on my bed feeling contented and yet unsatisfied for some unknown reason. The paradox drives through my very flesh and tears my bones apart along with it the very frame and structure of my wholeness, my being. It would seem irrelevant to dwell on such thoughts however, dismissing them especially now that they have grown stronger, would only be postponing an even more horrendous reality which sooner or later I would eventually have to face. I might as well deal with it now, now that my adrenaline pumping system is well and active.

Going even deeper, I have somewhat peeked at something that is yet to be fully exposed, one way or another. This possible exposition would make a tremendous instability that I fear would make me even more vulnerable than how I am right now. A part of me wants to get it over and done with as soon as possible since after the ruins, for someone like me, there is no other way but to rise and build, hopefully, an even stronger me, with stronger frames and structure, but then again, another part of me, and I would presume it is the more practical and logical side, wishes to address the root causes and fix it while it is still in a reparable state rather than allowing it to strike and face the destruction of this fort that I have forever kept erect and established. If it can be mended, if not stopped, then why would I have to suffer such a terrible loss, right?

And this leads me to the more difficult yet more interesting part of my reflection, weighing and comparing the two options which I have set for myself as of the moment. I would love to widen my horizon even further by suggesting alternatives and more sound possibilities but the fact of the unknown only brings me more anxiety, than what the givens and the known already provide.

I knew this would end in a very open and undecided ‘resolution’. But I pray that with some help, divine or otherwise, discerning what’s best would somehow come to me, in time.

Just a parenthetical note, the phrase ‘in time’ just seems so comforting; knowing the reality of some unknown reality soon coming to be a reality despite the lack of a definite time frame. It does not exclude the possibility of its realization in the ‘now’, which is a very intoxicating experience, although the possibility of its realization would probably lie somewhere between ‘now’ and ‘later’. At least one thing is for certain, it does not end in ‘never’.

Perhaps the road will still be block, at least for the moment, but I rest assured that it won’t be, ‘in time’.

2006. The year that was. What a year it was. But that was the past, so let’s leave it be and discuss something more current. As the New Year advances, changes tag along with it. As cheesy as it may sound, yes, resolutions are always there as part of our social norms regardless of whether they are kept or not. Well, for my New Year’s Resolution, holding everything else constant, I’ll be holding these new L’s constant for the rest of the year.

Let things be. Things happen, may it be for a reason or not. Although at the back of my head it would always be better if a reason was there to back those events that have happened, are happening, or will happen. Nonetheless, things happen, period. Like a growing plant, its development can’t be ceased unless we uproot it or keep it in the dark or not water it, not take care of it. Things will happen as long as we do our share for its fulfillment. Like the plant, there are always a million factors that will affect its growth like season, amount of sunshine and rain it receives, things that is out of our control. Storms may hit and who knows what it would make of our growing plant. But there are still those things that we could always do to enhance the plant’s growth. Watering it everyday and taking out the weeds and those other gardening stuff that most gardeners and plant growers do. Anyway, my point is that we must let thing be, let things happen while keeping our share of the work that is needed for its development, but not putting efforts in hastening the plant’s development or forcing them to grow more flowers and/or fruits. I’m talking about using those chemicals that speed up its growth but in return harm the environment in the process. This year, I plan to let things happen as they would without any forced intrusions or sly gestures to prompt my desired outcome. This year, I will make use of only natural processes in all my undertaking, without coercion, intimidation, or crude brute force. Things will happen if they will happen and when they will happen. Well, otherwise, they won’t. It’s as simple as that.

Learn. As these things happen (or not) there will always be something that can be gained from them happening (or not). This year, I will take every effort to learn from all events that will occur. Every thing has something to offer, it is just a mater of looking at the right places to find them.

Listen. Aside from learning, it is always wise to listen carefully and fully comprehend everything before every undertaking. And even while in the act of doing the things, it is also wise to take heed of the cautions and signs that are encountered. It is always wise to listen and take note. I guess, it’s a less hostile form of being vigilant; simply being aware and cautious.

Let go. The previous year, I have been so attached to things that I tend to clutter them with me. This year, I will have to let go of things or rather not getting too attached to them so as it would be easy to let them go once it starts to clutter and get messy. Letting go has always been my problem because I always have this sad notion that I won’t be able to find something as good as what I have now. I have been so afraid that I will lose so much in letting things go, leaving them behind, throwing them out. But I guess, it would ease the clutter with less things attached to me (especially material things; these things tend to stack up inside my room). So this year, I will be less attached to them and place them all behind me.

Ceteris Paribus. This phrase is Latin for “all else held constant.” But this year, I will hold these other L’s – Letting things be, Learning, Listening and Letting go – constant throughout the year (I hope). Anyway, I hope that with these new stuffs incorporated in my lifestyle would make my 2007 more exciting. If I find them to my liking then I’d keep them for the next year and the next and the next. Otherwise, I don’t have to worry, I have many more New Years to celebrate and resolve.

End.

Isn’t it funny how you look at the night sky, serene and peaceful and yet you don’t see anything but the moon and the night clouds lazily floating about? And then you blissfully search for those brightest shining stars and yet you just don’t see any. But then all of a sudden a small glint catches your eyes and then you realize that there is but one star that shines faintly. So you try to make sense of that shining star, then slowly it glows more and more, twinkling each second that passes by and you just can’t help but be amazed at how you were able to take heed of its faint glow only when the brightest stars you were searching for can no longer be found, that all the time you knew that a star is there somewhere , in the vast endlessness of the night sky, waiting for you to take notice of its humble yet magnificent shine, but you fail to realize it because you were stuck and glued to searching for one bright star among the many that are as bright, that one bright star that may no longer even exist.

A few nights ago, I got out of bed and went to the riverbank, laid on my back, and stared at the sky. I knew I was waiting for that star, kinda like hoping incessantly to catch a falling star. It’s somewhat stupid really, when you know the odds of catching a falling star is minimal, how much more when you are actually expectantly waiting for a specific star to fall. A hopeless scenario, more like sad really.

After two hours of searching, waiting, hoping, and getting frustrated, disappointed, sad, and hurt, I got up and went back to bed and slept through the rest of my hellish ordeal.

I guess it’s just how it is. You have to love and get hurt, and get hurt until it’s numb, and feel numb until you don’t feel love nor hurt at all. Then you start to fall in love again, and hope that this time it would be for good, if not for better.

That’s when you realize that there are a lot more stars in the heavens above us. We just have to make sure that we never tire ourselves from constantly searching and being open to see what the night sky would have to offer. Once you see at least one more star, smile and be glad that you have found yet another gem in the sky, something that would be cherished and loved for the rest of this next chapter of our lives.

Holding on is essential only when you are certain that what you are holding on to is an immovable stretch of the boundless sky. Otherwise our hold would be weak and would not be enough to keep us whole. Thus learn to let go, for in letting go we acknowledge our weakness, and faith in ourselves that it is not only through this part of the sky that we can anchor our lives to. Definitely, the night sky is limitless and no one can stop us from anchoring ourselves on to another more firm and stable part.

What would you do? It’s tiring as it can be. What with all the stress that’s lurking everywhere ready to pounce anytime. You can never really be too careful these days. Anyone, not to mention everyone, could be it. We can never really know. How much would it take for me to see what lies ahead so that I won’t have to worry about tomorrow? I know it’s futile to worry about what will be rather than expending more time and effort resolving what is. But that’s the problem, instead of enjoying what is, I spend more time worrying and looking for ways to alleviate pain of yesterday that’s causing more problems today.

The Beleaguered Champion seeks to find a place to rest. Under the tree of answers, he wishes to lie underneath its shade. But in the scorching heat vast desert that he has traveled, in the viciousness of the jungle he’s been through, in the depths of the dark abyss, nothing but a void and empty space lies before him. It’s even more disturbing for despite its barrenness, there is always and there will always be something that will push him to the edge.

The Beleaguered Champion started by spending a tremendous amount of time training for what may lie ahead in his life’s adventure. Giving everything he has to offer, this hero wanted to be at his best when he faces the demons and monsters on his way. Nothing could possibly stop him and nothing will.

The Beleaguered Champion went into the immense ocean of oceans. There he met other champions just as he; eager and determined to topple every barrier that may come there way. However, in spite of the immensity of this area, there were only a few possible paths to take. And only a few would be able to go through it. Before this Champion knew it, he was fighting for his slim chance and his inalienable right to passage, against the others that came before and even after him. This isn’t a very pleasant sight. The steady flow of knights treading water was now drenched in thick blood drowning in their own despair.

Despite the horror, the Beleaguered Champion went on his way; weary from that great feat. He knew too well, that it wasn’t going to be the last. He knew that in every other field, battles have to be fought, won, and forgotten. Loss; he knew no such thing. In every step he makes, victory was his vision, faith was his shield, and hope was his sword. Coated in an armor of well-forged skill, no one can bring him down.

The Beleaguered Champion went on this excruciating journey, seeking the most appropriate spot to take the most amount of rest from time to time. But somewhere along his way, dust of confusion was lurking and growing, causing this hero to lose sight of his vision. Trying to regain control over everything before him, he insistently shook them off his feet, along with them everything he used to cherish. This foul mistake cost him a lot, and now his debts are due. Our Champion is now at a loss.

But this would not stop the Beleaguered Champion from moving on. Dragging his every step, he tried to get as far as possible and settle at a new site, either regaining old visions or forming new ones. Our Beleaguered Champion had to start again.

To be continued…

In no particular order.

A Movie/TV Personality

I always wanted to appear on TV and on the silver screen. It might have been a forgotten childhood dream. I always liked watching people on TV and I guess at some level I too want to be watched on screen as well.

A Theatre Performer (Singer, Dancer, Actor)

I like being watched. Uhmm, not that kind, you perv! Not being too egocentric, I just want to get attention. It's kinda ironic really but I learned in my Psychology class that I have these kinds of need, being an Type 9 - Achiever in the Enneagram and all. I guess that's why I joined the Ateneo College Glee Club, because I wanted to sing. But way back then, I didn't have enough confidence to sing on my own - singing solo. Talk about insecurity issues! Ha ha, I've had my share of those. Then I realized that I want to make a name for myself. An identity that goes along with my name - DICK. So I tried to do stage performing. That's when Entablado came into the picture. They held open auditions for the play "Buwan at Baril." It's about activism and all that. I auditioned and luckily I got in and played the role of the manggagawa (the [factory] worker). I wasn't a member of Enta when I first auditioned. The week after I joined them. I was aiming for the theatre workshops that come along with being a member, and of course the people who were in it. RIGHT! That same week, I realized I also wanted to do musical plays, after all, I always wanted to sing. Hence, I joined Blue Repertory, Ateneo's Musical Theatre Student Organization. What I great way of forging what I learned from Glee Club and what I get to pick up from Enta. BlueRep was another venue for me to hone my skills in the theatre scene. The people there are nice too, and pretty too! BUT HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO MANAGE ALL THESE?

A Good [Tango] Dancer

When I was young, I also wanted to dance but unfortunately I didn't seem to be that good at it. Although I can dance ballroom (Boogie and Tango), and a little bit of those other stuff. I wanted to enroll to a ballroom class for my PE but I there wasn't any slots left. I know I can dance, I just need more lessons to be that great.

A Hot Model

Hey, this is my dream! I can be whatever I want ok. So don’t give me that damn smirk! *end *

A Radio Disc Jockey

I was just fascinated by the idea of being someone who is heard but not seen. It kinda gives an aura of mystery in my character and personality. It can definitely get to the most hottest clubs and gimmicks and you know, all the privileges that goes along with the work. Wouldn’t it be nice if I were a DJ? I think it would.

An Artistic Photographer/Photo Editor

When I look at pictures I just imagine myself taking them and editing them to make them look awesome. I tried to do Photoshop tutorials but I feel that I still need to do things - hands-on. I think I can learn things better that way. But thinking about the costs of the materials, SLR camera, softwares, training, I'm having second thoughts now.

An Intelligent Programmer/Hacker

Ha ha! My ultimate genius dream. Not that I want to terrorize the world by sending viruses and all other pets. It's just fun to know how things (softwares, mostly games) work. Not that I want to cheat or anything, it's just nice to know how to make things run according to your rules. It's just like customizing things your way. Yeah, that's pretty much it, customizing..

A Network Administrator

Ha ha! Just another of those silly things I want to become. I don't know, maybe I want to start my own internet business or something like that. It's also great to know how to setup your own network at home and in the office! And being an administrator kinda makes me feel like a supreme being, or whatever.

A Website Designer

Well, also another of my dreams. Putting up my own website or designing other people's website would be great too. I could even get paid doing that. Wouldn't that be great. But where do I even begin?

A Flash Animator

Uhmm, I just want to know how to use Flash and know how to make Flash presentations, well, for presentations. Making animations would be fun too. Yeah, fun.

A Writer

Writing things is my way of letting things out and releasing stress. It's a good practice and it's a healthy coping mechanism. Writing great things is cool, way cooool.

A Great Lover

Who wouldn't?

After pathetically browsing through some of my friends' blogs and photos (pathetically), and oh did I mention it was so pathetic? I didn’t have to hide myself from their radars by reading it under some other fictitious account with a very suspicious sounding name and a photo of some celebrity (how sad!). But not as sad as those other more pathetic people who just make an account without any photo, no nothing whatsoever and use it to stalk people. And c’mon. What for? You slimy balls of bitches. Oh wait, do bitches have balls? I just made that up so live with it! Anyway (after that very uber long parenthetical thought), I’ve realized a few things. I have some issues. Wait, make that a lot of issues. And please don’t tell me this is an emo blog entry, coz it’s not! Shit that’s one more issue on my list.

What’s gotten into me? I’ve become the world’s, oh wait make that the Universe’s (World’s) Most Pathetic Guy with Issues. Crap, it sounds so annoying and wrong. Just the thought of it makes me sick. Rambling! Ding!

Next thought. I just had to stop myself. I can’t dwell on those kinds of stuff, they’ll just make me feel sad, and then before I realize it, I have a knife on my hand and a cut wrist on the same hand. Now that’s something. Just a quick question. Who among you here can hold a knife in one hand? I see a lot can do that. Good job! But who among you can hold a knife in one hand and cut your wrist on the same hand at the same time. If you can do that, don’t bother telling me coz that’s just too freaky!

I watched an episode of some sitcom in StarWorld a while ago. And the guy is marrying his girlfriend-bestfriend. Oh nothing, it just got me thinking for a minute there.

Break. I just couldn’t let myself sink in to stuff that matters. Well, to me it doesn’t matter at the moment I’m thinking about it, but when I get back to it, it suddenly feels important. I think this is the real experience of thought. Something that just keeps on flowing, but then somewhere amidst the gushing of ideas, a mere glint of what was astoundingly fills the whole void that is. Rambling!

This is me, with no sleep and no _____ (I just couldn’t say it… You fill in the blank!). Life’s more than this, I’m sure! But what more can I get? What more do I deserve? Ha! Stupid thing to ask! Might as well strike a pencil through my throat and see if it kills me. Damn, what with all this allusion to death? Have I gone insane after how many months of no blogging? Just letting all these inside bottling up and waiting to explode but can’t coz _____ (Again, you fill in the blank)…

I’ve been a mess, and I’ll be a mess if I won’t do anything about it. Accepting it is something, even if it doesn’t really take any physical actions, it still counts as doing something. But then again, if I just let it as it were, then where’s the human intervention in there that should almost always cross the path of fate. That’s what we humans are right? A cross-point of the what is and what ought to be. But where am I going to start? At what is? Or at what ought to be?

Jarhead

sa direksyon ni Sam Mendes

“A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands, love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper; his hands remember the rifle.” – Anothony “Swoff” Swofford (Jake Gyllenhaal)

Ito ang mga salitang maririnig sa simula ng pelikulang “Jarhead.” Sang-ayon sa pananaw ni Kerazim Kohak, ang mga salitang ito ang sumasalamin sa pagbubuklod ng kawal at ng kanyang baril. Isa itong samahang nabubuo sapagkat ayon kay Kohak, ang tao, na may bukod-tanging katangian bilang isang puntong-tagpuan ng magkasalikop na dimensyon ng katalagahan at ng walang-hanggan, ay may kakayahang makatunog sa saysay ng walang-hangang kahalagahan ng mga bagay na may hangganan, at dahil dito ay nakakayanan niyang pangibabawan ang hangganan ng bagay na ito nang sa gayon ay lumalampas ang halaga nito tungo sa kawalang-hanggan. Sa simula pa lamang, naipapakita na na kahit anuman ang maaaring gawin ng kawal na ito gamit ang kanyang kamay, ay maaalala’t maaalala pa rin niya ang ripleng kanyang ginamit at inangkin bilang bahagi na ng kanyang sarili dahil mayroon silang pinagsamahan nabuo at napagyaman ng panahon; simula sa pagsasanay patungo sa digmaan hanggang sa uwian. Ayon nga sa sabi nila, “This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. Without my rifle, I am nothing. Without me, my rifle is nothing.”

Kaagad naman itong susundan ng mga eksena ng pagsasanay ng bidang si Anthony Swofford kasama ang kanyang mga kasamahan sa ilalim ng pamumuno ni Staff Sgt. Sykes. Dito naman madalas naipapakita ang buong batalyon ng mga nagsasanay na mga kawal. Kahawig sa karanasan ni Antione Roquentin na naisalaysay niya sa kanyang tala-arawan na Nausea (isang nobelang gawa ni Jean-Paul Sartre), nawawala sila sa kanikanilang mga sariling pagkakakilanlan. Sa mga eksenang ito tumitingkad ang magkakaparehong hubog ng kanilang mga katawan, magkakaparehong uniporme, at magkakaparehong gupit ng buhok, na kung titingnan sa malayo ay nalulusaw ang kanilang identidad at nagmumukhang iisa silang lahat na makakahalo sa iisang pagkakalahok, kagaya ng pagtingin ni Antione Roquentin sa pag-iral nang siya ay namulat nang ito ay nagsimulang maglantad sa kanyang harapan.

Sa mga eksena ng kanilang pagsasanay naipapakita ang kanilang pagiging “in the way” sa isa’t isa. In the way. Sa lupang kanilang tinatakbuhan at ginagapangan, sa mga damuhang kanilang pinagtataguan, o hindi kaya ay sa mga asintahang in the way sa ripleng kanilang ginagamit.

Nang magsimula Operation Desert Shield, sila ay ipinadala sa disyerto ng Saudi Arabia, isang lugar na bago at hindi pamilyar sa kanila, kaya kinailangan nila itong kilalanin, at sila man din ay kailangan ding masanay sa ganitong panibagong pook. Kailangan nilang uminon ng maraming tubig sapagkat napakainit sa lugar na ito, hindi kagaya ng nakasanayan nila. Kailangan nilang magsanay sa ganitong uri ng panahon at klima, habang binabantayan nila ang mga langis ng lugar na iyon. Kung titingnan natin ito sa pananaw ni Kohak, ito marahil ang pag-aangkin sa pook at yaman nito bilang isang pag-aari lamang. Hindi nabibigyang halaga ang responsibilidad ng tao na pagyamanin ang samahan nila at ng kalikasan. Ginagawa nila ang mga gawaing ito hindi dahil nais nilang manirahan o alagaan ang lugar na iyon kundi bantayan lamang ang likas na yaman doon nang hindi manakaw ng kalaban. Ang ganito uri ng pag-iisip ay taliwas sa mabuting pag-iral ng tao sa mundo. Subalit ipinapakita ng pelikula na sa mundo ng digmaan, sa simula ay nawawalan ng saysay ang ganoong relasyon ng sundalo sa mundong kanyang kinalalagyan. Kung hindi nila matutunang mahalin ang mga bagay na nangyayari sa kanilang dinadayuhan, ay mawawala lamang ang saysay nito pagkaraan ng panahon. Kaya kailangan din linangin at pagyamanin ng mga sundalo ang relasyon nila sa kanilang kainalalagyan, gayon din sa pagbubuklod nila sa isa’t isa.

Ngunit kung, titingnan naman natin ang Operation Desert Shield sa pananaw ni Sartre, napapakitang absurdo ang operasyong ito. Nagsasanay sila para kalabanin ang mga kalaban na hindi nila alam kung kalian sasalakay. Tumatakbo sila sa ilalim ng sikat ng mainit na araw na naka-uniporme nang napakakapal. Pumapatrolya sila sa disyertong wala namang laman, na mistulang may mga kalaban sa malapit at minsan ay umaarte silang kunwaring inaatake. Nagtatapon sila ng mga granada sa wala, at tumitira sa wala. Nag-aabang sila sa mga kalaban na hindi na hindi nila alam kung kalian darating.

Simula dito ay naramdaman ko na rin ang pagiging absurdo ng buong kaganapan. Sa pagdaan ng mga araw na naging ilang buwan na rin ay nakakasuka ang paghihintay ng mga kalaban na hindi naman nila matukoy kung darating ba o hindi. Halong pangamba at pag-aalinlangan ang aking naramdaman. Naalibadbaran ako sa walang katiyakan ng mga maaring maganap. Nasa gitna ng disyerto ang mga sundalong ito, sa gitna ng kawalan. Hindi nila matiyak kung ano ang susunod na maaring mangyari. Kung titingnan ang pelikulang “Jarhead” sa pananaw ni Sartre, gaya ng pag-iral, ang pagiging isang jarhead din ay absurdo.

Subalit hindi ko rin maipagkakaila, na ang mga pananaw ni Kohak ay mas lumilitaw at mas sumasalamin ng mga kaganapan sa pelikulang ito. Ayon kay Kohak, makatwiran ang pag-iral ng tao. At sa pananaw ko, ang pagiging isang sundalo ay makatwiran din kahit malabo ang mundo ng digmaan at kaguluhan. Nailalarawan ng pagiging jarhead ang pagiging puntong-tagpuan ng tao sa mundo ng katalagahan at ng mundo ng walang-hanggan. May kakahayang makakutob ang mga sundalong ito ng mga mabubuti, makatotohanan at makatarungan, kung kaya’t alam nilang pumili ng mga bagay na mahalaga sa kanila ayon sa dimensyon ng katalagahan, kahit na walang-hangganan ang halaga ng lahat ng mga bagay sa dimensyon ng walang-katapusan.

Naniniwala tayong ang tao ang tanging nilalang na nakikisangkot sa pag-iral ng sang-umiiral, at hindi lamang bastang pakikisangkot ang ginagawa ng tao, sapagkat makahulugan ang pakikisangkot nito sa mundong nagpaparamdam. Nakikita ng tao ang walang-hanggang halaga ng mga bagay na may hangganan. Kung kaya nakakakutob siya sa moralidad ng mga bagay at gawain sapagkat may angkin siyang kakayahang makatunog nito. Ang mga katanungan tungkol sa moralidad ng mga gawain ng mga sunadalo ay walang katapusan. Ang mga sundalong ito ay palagi ring nagmumuni-muni tungkol sa kanilang mga ginagawa. Isa itong napakahirap na gawain sapagkat kinikilala nila na lahat ng bagay ay may angking walang-hangang halaga sa punto de vista ng walang-hanggan. Kaya kung walang dimensyon ng katalagahang nauukol sa panahon, napakahirap ng pagpili ng mga dapat gawin, sapagkat ang lahat ay magkakapantay ng halaga. Sa dimensyon ng katalagahan, nagkakaroon ng kaukulang kahalagahan ang mga bagay.

Sa isang digmaan, kailangan ng sundalong pumatay ng kalaban, kundi siya ang papatayin nito. Sa mundo ng katalagahan mahalagang pumatay ang sundalo ng kalaban, subalit alam niyang ang buhay ng taong kanyang pinatay ay magiging isang trahedya sa mundo ng walang-katapusan. Subalit sa pelikula, hindi nagkaroon ng pagkakataong pumatay ang ating bida. Na kung titingnan natin, ay yaon sana ang oras ng kanyang dakilang karangalan, ang makapatumba ng isang kalabang may mataas ang ranggo.

Kung ranggo naman ang paguusapan, makikita nating ang mga sundalo ay may iba-ibang ranggo. Pinapakita lamang nito na may kaukulang kaibahan ng halaga ang mga sundalo ayon sa kanilang ranggo sa order of time. Subalit sa order of eternity, lahat ng mga subdalo ay magkakapantay ng halaga, kahalagahang walang-katapusan. Kaya sa isang digmaan, ang may mataas na ranggo ang pinapahalagahang sagipin ngunit ang kamatayan naman ng may mababang ranggo ay isang trahedya pa rin.

Sa huli, sinasalamin pa lalo ang pananaw ni Kohak sa pelikula sa muling pagbanggit ng mga katagang binanggit sa simula ng palabas. At dinagdagan niya ito:

…[H]e will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert.

Sa mga salitang ito, tumitingkad ang pagbubuklod ng sundalong ito sa disyertong kanyang pinuntahan, sa mga taong kanyang nakasama, at hindi lamang sa baril na kanyang tinuring na bahagi ng kanyang pagiging jarhead. Pinatunyan ng pelikula na ang sundalo, gaya ng tao, ay may angking kakayahang makutuban, kilalanin, linangin, pagyamanin at mahalin ang mga bakas ng walang-hanggan halaga ng kanyang karanasan sa digmaan sa disyerto kasama ang kanyang pinuno, ang kanyang mga kapwa sundalo, at ang kanyang riple. Hindi lamang nananatiling pag-aari ang mga ito, kundi lumalampas ang halaga ng mga ito sa dimensyon ng walang-katapusan. At kahit na mamatay o mawala man ang mga ito sa takdang panahon, sapagkat napatingkad na niya ang halaga ng mga ito, ay hindi sila mamamatay o mawawala at sa halip ay mananatili sila sa mundo ng walang-hangan.

VERSE 1:
Inspiration strikes
The moment I gaze at you
Every word I speak
Shares a part of you
It might have been love
But I can never really know
This is pain I feel
But why is this so?

CHORUS:
Let the pain go away
Throw all bitterness and rage
It's no longer in my hands
I don't have any place to stay
Let the pain fade away
Let time have its way
Only then can I realize
If the feelings should go or stay

VERSE 2:
Every glance
Makes my world move slow
But the words you said
Crushed my very soul
I know it is love
That can no longer be
I just feel the pain
Don't you feel it too?

BRIDGE:
I've had my chance
I blew it faultlessly
Every move was my mistake
And now it's time to pay
Once it was love
Turned into pain

You know what's great?
It’s being pushed aside like
dirt being swept away by
a hag from her dusty
cabin.
But just because I’m smaller
than dirt doesn’t mean they
can treat me any less
than those with gold and
silver.
I know they deserve better.
I know that now.
And a mere speckle like
me is no match to
those kings and princes surrounding
them.

You know what’s nice?
It’s being talked to like
a parasite leeching from
some other guy’s
rewards.
But they know I’m not.
I know I’m not.
They should even know better,
or they should not have
spoken to me at all.

You know what’s awesome?
It’s being nice but get
unappreciated.
Life’s unfair, I should
have known that.
I should have known better.
No wonder it has become
a cliché.
But I can’t take this
crap from life.
I never sowed crap,
why should I reap crap?

I know what’s great!
I know what’s nice!
I know what’s awesome!
How about I serve you
a meal with your words
on it?
Oh someday,
you’ll gonna have to eat
them.
Take them back
or you’ll be having
the best dish
of your life.

It is highly probable that at some point in our lives, we come to a crossroad where make decisions from where our next journey would have to spring from. These are the turning points of our lives that every choice we make is crucial for our future voyage. A single mistake would eventually lead us to dead end, a very wearing thing to happen. We could retrace our steps or just continue on another path and hope that somehow; our destination is just around the corner. Nonetheless, it all starts at that critical moment.

At that moment, it is best to first, stop and congratulate yourself for coming this far. But always remember that this is merely a crossroad, a mere break from the unending walk of life. Never fall for the trap of what I like to call, the “Fool’s Goal.” Discern whether this is what you were aiming for. As far as I’m concerned, this is just a momentary halt, for me to check my progress and determine what move to do next. Then look and listen to everything around you. That is how you can gather information about your current standing. Be sensitive and be observant. That is how we can properly assess our next move. Then go for it. No holding back now. It’s the perfect time to take the plunge.

This part is the most critical part, because this is where you take the risk. The plunge is the gamble, for we never know whether we’d land on our feet or land on our head (Ouch!) but we just do it. It’s the faith that allows us to take it. It is that mindset that keeps us bold in every crossroads we face.

“EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT FOR ME.” That’s what I’d like to think. Nothing can harm me, nothing can hurt me. Every step I take is a step closer to everything I ever dreamed of. Every move I make is a journey towards my goal. True, I may have fallen and stumbled several times but those were all part of the design. It was intended to be there to teach me how to stand and get back on my feet.

I have ceased for a long while now, for I have dreaded this moment where I have to face this conundrum. I have stopped and moved on, stopped and moved on. This time, will be different. There will be no stopping me now. I now believe that no matter what road I choose, I will get there, roadblocks and dead ends included. I may get lost or I may stray but at the end of the day, I will be where I am supposed to be.

That is my resolve.

Every so often, just when
you think everything has settled
down, as the hectic and
fast-paced trek you have
been on has just melted
to a slow and constant
flow of ease, a
significant turn just has to
bend the complete silence and
shatter every bit of mended
you.

I’m no psychic, but
I feel that moments from
now, another is just
around somewhere. Moments
from now, another tremor
will come. The scarier
thing than knowing its arrival
is not knowing how to
prepare for it. And
even scarier is the part
when I have to deal
with the after shock.

Ever since that last maladies
I endured, I have
gained several insights. I
gained a new part of
me. A part that
is meant to be stronger.
This will be my final
test, the ultimate one,
for after this tedious ordeal,
will follow the critical judgment,
the decision to completely change
or…

It’s been an our and a half now but, I can only manage to write a few sentences before I replace them with new lines and then erase them after a paragraph or so. It’s really weird when I know I have so much to write but few words come out. Could it be that I am blocking my thoughts and suppressing my emotions or am I just off today, or more like for weeks now. My efforts of filling this site with thoughts have only gotten me so far. Those crap I’ve placed here and this one as well.

Forgive my babbling. I’ve only realized recently that I’ve only been babbling ever since. When I’m excited, when I’m sad, frustrated, annoyed, and those emo stuff that comes and goes every so often. i never thought of being so emotional, for I’ve always considered myself the thinking type and not the feeling type. But unfortunately, I’ve somehow changed. And I can’t really say I like it. It’s not nice to be so sensitive and melodramatic over stuff (now, I’m feeling a surge of bitterness and a bit of anger, I hope it doesn’t consume me…) that you have no control over. It’s just a waste of time and energy. It’s sad. I mean, being like than when there really isn’t any need. Peace of mind is what we need.

(I’m not making any sense, am I? At least that feeling of bitterness has subsided a bit. I wonder what’s next.) Okay, I never really had a chance to let my thoughts and emotions out. And keeping them all bottled up is the last thing I’d want to do.

How fragmented can I get? Having all these bad days can really get to you, you know. Just when you think you’re over something, some other things just keep tying you to it that you wouldn’t know how to deal with them because you thought that you’ve dealt with it but apparently you haven’t. Never mind.

Are some things really better kept unsaid? It’s kind of a playing-it-safe thought. Now that I’m on the rougher side of life, I’ve become the gambling type. I also can’t say that I like it.

I’ve lied a couple of times, but when I say I’m telling the truth, I am. I’m no deceitful guy. And I’ve always been open.

I used to think I know what makes me happy? I used to think I know what’s most important to me. But lately I’ve been feeling so lost and down. And I don’t know how to get up, partly because I’ve secluded myself and also because I don’t know where to go next. For the first time, I’m stuck.

I seem to know what’s keeping me. I want to be free, but I’m scared to try.

The immortal-skirmisher isn’t so immortal after all. And for the first time, I’ve realized what my weakness is.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

I wish you all the best of luck.