It is past midnight and I still couldn’t muster enough strength or rather drain all my energy to fall asleep. It’s one of those nights when I just have to take note of. A night full of lavishing insights, if it means something to any of you. I wish I would come to a conclusion after this, however, based on what I am feeling and thinking right now, that possibility seems bleak.

Guilt. I guess that would be what I could use to describe what and how I am feeling right now, at least on a very wide perspective. Looking at how I seem to organize my thoughts and processing the things that have happened, I seem to end at one clear reality. My need for belongingness is among the most unsatisfied need in my life right now. I had dealt with my insecurities, at least as far as I know, and asserted myself with or without acknowledgment although I wouldn’t deny that such a need is as much as important as my need for belongingness.

Allow me to segue for a few lines here. Several months ago, I’ve been in the dumps because of unimportant stuff that has been troubling me ever since. I just couldn’t quench my thirst for attention. Now isn’t that just plain sad and stupid. I realize that now, although in retrospect, it does seem important for someone of my stature and way of living. You can’t blame me for feeling this way, at least what you can do is understand why I feel this way and allow me to be how I am, otherwise, just let it pass, because c’mon, for a person of my level of I.Q., I think I’d realize how stupid it is sooner or later. Of course, unless I do something stupid, I wouldn’t make that realization, now would I?

Going back to the topic, a reality that which I have yet to unveil glinted at one instance as I lay on my bed feeling contented and yet unsatisfied for some unknown reason. The paradox drives through my very flesh and tears my bones apart along with it the very frame and structure of my wholeness, my being. It would seem irrelevant to dwell on such thoughts however, dismissing them especially now that they have grown stronger, would only be postponing an even more horrendous reality which sooner or later I would eventually have to face. I might as well deal with it now, now that my adrenaline pumping system is well and active.

Going even deeper, I have somewhat peeked at something that is yet to be fully exposed, one way or another. This possible exposition would make a tremendous instability that I fear would make me even more vulnerable than how I am right now. A part of me wants to get it over and done with as soon as possible since after the ruins, for someone like me, there is no other way but to rise and build, hopefully, an even stronger me, with stronger frames and structure, but then again, another part of me, and I would presume it is the more practical and logical side, wishes to address the root causes and fix it while it is still in a reparable state rather than allowing it to strike and face the destruction of this fort that I have forever kept erect and established. If it can be mended, if not stopped, then why would I have to suffer such a terrible loss, right?

And this leads me to the more difficult yet more interesting part of my reflection, weighing and comparing the two options which I have set for myself as of the moment. I would love to widen my horizon even further by suggesting alternatives and more sound possibilities but the fact of the unknown only brings me more anxiety, than what the givens and the known already provide.

I knew this would end in a very open and undecided ‘resolution’. But I pray that with some help, divine or otherwise, discerning what’s best would somehow come to me, in time.

Just a parenthetical note, the phrase ‘in time’ just seems so comforting; knowing the reality of some unknown reality soon coming to be a reality despite the lack of a definite time frame. It does not exclude the possibility of its realization in the ‘now’, which is a very intoxicating experience, although the possibility of its realization would probably lie somewhere between ‘now’ and ‘later’. At least one thing is for certain, it does not end in ‘never’.

Perhaps the road will still be block, at least for the moment, but I rest assured that it won’t be, ‘in time’.