I should have left but I stayed. There is no one else to blame but me. I put myself into this mess and now I’m paying the price. Was it all worth it? I’m thinking how I somehow knew this would be a possibility before I jumped into it and took that risk. And how I could console myself with those moments in case this would eventually happen? But I don’t know where to begin making myself feel better. I’ve never been in a predicament as low as this ever. And I don’t know how to get out from it. I’ve been so alone since. I don’t even know what lesson to from this experience. All I could hope for is for something better to happen. But for now, I could do nothing but endure this weight I’m carrying.

How could I even lighten this load? It seems so certain that I can’t just put it down and leave it all behind. I can’t find anyone to hold on to. I’ve lost everyone. I’d really like to think that because I knew you, I have been changed for good. But it’s just so hard to accept it when you know I haven’t.

I need an overhaul; a drastic remake. I can’t go on like this anymore.

THROUGH GOD WHO STRENGTHENS ME, EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT FOR ME; SO THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS, I’LL DEFINITELY ENJOY IT.

Call me crazy but I think these are the moments of my life when I have nothing else to do (Oh crap! My lab report..!) but sulk and bathe myself in extreme thought and ponder upon things that just pop in my mind. Christmas break just started and most of the people already went home. Here in the boarding house, the once crowded and busy place soon began to quite down as media players are turned off, television sets shut, and rooms closed and locked. People have allowed themselves, including their very presence, to be carried off with the spirit of Christmas.

It’s hard to follow them when a lot of stuff still lingers in my mind. The Christmas caroling rush of the Glee Club has now ended, and so the nights end so soon awaiting yet another Christmas morning of peace and solitude.

I busy myself with writing blogs and allow myself to explore the inner depths of my mind. A coping mechanism I’ve been using ever since I started my college years although recently, due to non-stop exams, projects, reports and whatnot, my blogging days have unfortunately ceased. Now that the attacks from my professors have ended, I now have more than enough time to busy myself with writing stuff down.

It just goes to show that I’m totally bored and have nothing to do, except perhaps clean my room and other non fun stuff. I could buy me a new PC game, coz I’ve always wanted to try out the latest installment of Need for Speed, I just don’t know if my PC would meet the demands of the game. Soon, I’ll get my chance to play it. Right now, I’ll just squeeze out everything that I could from this not-so-drained brain of mine.

Anyway, just this morning I woke up with a very pleasant dream. Would you believe it? I met my next girlfriend. She’s a friend’s friend whom I met at a friend’s birthday party. She’s about my height, sexy, as in not fat and not even chubby but not too skinny either, with long shiny hair and a very sexy smile. I’ll know her coz she has a younger brother whom I cursed at for doing something I bleakly remember, I think he took a book or something. A book for God’s sake and yes, I cursed him for that, before I realized he was my next girlfriend’s brother. Good job Dick!

At least I felt what I have been missing these past few years. At least at some point of my life right now, that spark still is alive. Another dream is yet to become a reality. I’ll be meeting her soon. And when I do, it will be heaven all the way. She’s been waiting for me as well, and if someone like her found someone like me, then everything would never be the same. Our hearts would take wing and we’d feel so alive. There’d be a new way to live, a new life to love, coz we’ve found each other.

Haha! Sounds familiar. But I’ll console myself with that thought. Now that I’ve been losing hope each day that passes. I would want to find a new light to follow. A new hope to hold on to. At least for now, before I return and become a better me.

Ika nga nila, ang buhay ay parang gulong… Wala lang, parang gulong lang. Gusto mo parang bubong? Sige, ang buhay ay parang bubong… Hehe! Ismayl ka na lang!

It is past midnight and I still couldn’t muster enough strength or rather drain all my energy to fall asleep. It’s one of those nights when I just have to take note of. A night full of lavishing insights, if it means something to any of you. I wish I would come to a conclusion after this, however, based on what I am feeling and thinking right now, that possibility seems bleak.

Guilt. I guess that would be what I could use to describe what and how I am feeling right now, at least on a very wide perspective. Looking at how I seem to organize my thoughts and processing the things that have happened, I seem to end at one clear reality. My need for belongingness is among the most unsatisfied need in my life right now. I had dealt with my insecurities, at least as far as I know, and asserted myself with or without acknowledgment although I wouldn’t deny that such a need is as much as important as my need for belongingness.

Allow me to segue for a few lines here. Several months ago, I’ve been in the dumps because of unimportant stuff that has been troubling me ever since. I just couldn’t quench my thirst for attention. Now isn’t that just plain sad and stupid. I realize that now, although in retrospect, it does seem important for someone of my stature and way of living. You can’t blame me for feeling this way, at least what you can do is understand why I feel this way and allow me to be how I am, otherwise, just let it pass, because c’mon, for a person of my level of I.Q., I think I’d realize how stupid it is sooner or later. Of course, unless I do something stupid, I wouldn’t make that realization, now would I?

Going back to the topic, a reality that which I have yet to unveil glinted at one instance as I lay on my bed feeling contented and yet unsatisfied for some unknown reason. The paradox drives through my very flesh and tears my bones apart along with it the very frame and structure of my wholeness, my being. It would seem irrelevant to dwell on such thoughts however, dismissing them especially now that they have grown stronger, would only be postponing an even more horrendous reality which sooner or later I would eventually have to face. I might as well deal with it now, now that my adrenaline pumping system is well and active.

Going even deeper, I have somewhat peeked at something that is yet to be fully exposed, one way or another. This possible exposition would make a tremendous instability that I fear would make me even more vulnerable than how I am right now. A part of me wants to get it over and done with as soon as possible since after the ruins, for someone like me, there is no other way but to rise and build, hopefully, an even stronger me, with stronger frames and structure, but then again, another part of me, and I would presume it is the more practical and logical side, wishes to address the root causes and fix it while it is still in a reparable state rather than allowing it to strike and face the destruction of this fort that I have forever kept erect and established. If it can be mended, if not stopped, then why would I have to suffer such a terrible loss, right?

And this leads me to the more difficult yet more interesting part of my reflection, weighing and comparing the two options which I have set for myself as of the moment. I would love to widen my horizon even further by suggesting alternatives and more sound possibilities but the fact of the unknown only brings me more anxiety, than what the givens and the known already provide.

I knew this would end in a very open and undecided ‘resolution’. But I pray that with some help, divine or otherwise, discerning what’s best would somehow come to me, in time.

Just a parenthetical note, the phrase ‘in time’ just seems so comforting; knowing the reality of some unknown reality soon coming to be a reality despite the lack of a definite time frame. It does not exclude the possibility of its realization in the ‘now’, which is a very intoxicating experience, although the possibility of its realization would probably lie somewhere between ‘now’ and ‘later’. At least one thing is for certain, it does not end in ‘never’.

Perhaps the road will still be block, at least for the moment, but I rest assured that it won’t be, ‘in time’.

2006. The year that was. What a year it was. But that was the past, so let’s leave it be and discuss something more current. As the New Year advances, changes tag along with it. As cheesy as it may sound, yes, resolutions are always there as part of our social norms regardless of whether they are kept or not. Well, for my New Year’s Resolution, holding everything else constant, I’ll be holding these new L’s constant for the rest of the year.

Let things be. Things happen, may it be for a reason or not. Although at the back of my head it would always be better if a reason was there to back those events that have happened, are happening, or will happen. Nonetheless, things happen, period. Like a growing plant, its development can’t be ceased unless we uproot it or keep it in the dark or not water it, not take care of it. Things will happen as long as we do our share for its fulfillment. Like the plant, there are always a million factors that will affect its growth like season, amount of sunshine and rain it receives, things that is out of our control. Storms may hit and who knows what it would make of our growing plant. But there are still those things that we could always do to enhance the plant’s growth. Watering it everyday and taking out the weeds and those other gardening stuff that most gardeners and plant growers do. Anyway, my point is that we must let thing be, let things happen while keeping our share of the work that is needed for its development, but not putting efforts in hastening the plant’s development or forcing them to grow more flowers and/or fruits. I’m talking about using those chemicals that speed up its growth but in return harm the environment in the process. This year, I plan to let things happen as they would without any forced intrusions or sly gestures to prompt my desired outcome. This year, I will make use of only natural processes in all my undertaking, without coercion, intimidation, or crude brute force. Things will happen if they will happen and when they will happen. Well, otherwise, they won’t. It’s as simple as that.

Learn. As these things happen (or not) there will always be something that can be gained from them happening (or not). This year, I will take every effort to learn from all events that will occur. Every thing has something to offer, it is just a mater of looking at the right places to find them.

Listen. Aside from learning, it is always wise to listen carefully and fully comprehend everything before every undertaking. And even while in the act of doing the things, it is also wise to take heed of the cautions and signs that are encountered. It is always wise to listen and take note. I guess, it’s a less hostile form of being vigilant; simply being aware and cautious.

Let go. The previous year, I have been so attached to things that I tend to clutter them with me. This year, I will have to let go of things or rather not getting too attached to them so as it would be easy to let them go once it starts to clutter and get messy. Letting go has always been my problem because I always have this sad notion that I won’t be able to find something as good as what I have now. I have been so afraid that I will lose so much in letting things go, leaving them behind, throwing them out. But I guess, it would ease the clutter with less things attached to me (especially material things; these things tend to stack up inside my room). So this year, I will be less attached to them and place them all behind me.

Ceteris Paribus. This phrase is Latin for “all else held constant.” But this year, I will hold these other L’s – Letting things be, Learning, Listening and Letting go – constant throughout the year (I hope). Anyway, I hope that with these new stuffs incorporated in my lifestyle would make my 2007 more exciting. If I find them to my liking then I’d keep them for the next year and the next and the next. Otherwise, I don’t have to worry, I have many more New Years to celebrate and resolve.

End.