and there it is.
my empty palette,
staring at me invitingly.
again.
i know you too well,
my familiar friend.
a bittersweet reunion.

you want only to comfort me
yet the sight of you tells me i'm in too deep.
again.

the need to cover all of you is overwhelming.
to ease the pain is all i want.
so here come my words,
my thoughts,
my sentiments,
my griefs,
my hopes,
my tears...

if only i could paint you with brightness.
yellow and orange...
pink and...
my mind's a blank.
all i know is
blue and grey...
black.
black.
black.
my palette always looks dismal in the end.
i'm sorry my friend.
i'm trying...

the words used to flow.
but now i'm at a loss.
it's something else i feel.
a different shade i'm looking for.
i don't know what to think,
what to do with this bombardment.
it's strange and new.

it could be...better.
brighter.
it could be...
pain.
the pit.

it is
fear.
i'm yearning to try.
but it's bigger than i'd imagined.
the chances.
the leaps.
the gains.
the trials.
the losses.
the tears...

the time will come
when no palette will be big enough,
not for the both of us.
i dread that day.
i hate that i see only that.
what my mind is too ready to believe
my heart is too eager to deny.
but to find a way
to make ends meet,
to make you happy,
to make this work,
i'm trying...

right now my night is gloomy.
why it has to be so i wonder.
the palette is always white...
to put darker shades on?
i've always thought so.
but a tiny voice begs to differ,
that one can keep it bright.
it struggles to be heard.
and i hear it every so often

...louder i hope it becomes.

there must be that other side of me.
dying to paint a different picture.
it exists somewhere.

i look forward
to making out the colors soon,
to putting them together,
to creating something new...
to knowing only gladness
when i see my familiar friend...
to sweet reunions.