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R.E.J.E.C.T.I.O.N.
There is this popular belief that rejection is an all too common circumstance that everyone faces. Well, perhaps not in my case -- rejection is something I have to avoid. Ever since I was a kid, I had to prove to everybody that I was worth something. I was brought up to a life that had to have awe-inspiring achievements to be cherished. I had to excel… I had to be somebody…I had to be accepted.
I guess there is nothing wrong with that. Aiming for the best… putting everything you’ve got in every endeavor… pushing yourself to its very limits just to get there or at least have a feel of what “there” might be. I’m not blaming anybody or ranting about being tired and all… In fact I am quite happy with it. Having the discipline to reach for what might seem unreachable is not a very common trait that every person possesses. I do not quit when faced with challenges, I find a way to overcome the immeasurable gap between me and my dreams. I seldom compromise, but I never let every unsuccessful attempts get me down. Well, maybe they allow me to rethink my position and reweigh the costs, but the end result is I simply aim for victory.
Unknown to most people, one of the most negative traits I have is the fear of rejection. It’s like a major downer for me (among others). This does not necessarily mean that I am a spoiled brat always getting my way in everything. This just simply tells that as much as possible, all things I do must be acceptable or that should the majority approve of it. Perhaps the only exceptions to this are my questioned principles and beliefs. Yeah, I have a very high regard for what I believe in. I stick to what my convictions are, although I am open to possibilities. Also, I always say that I really don’t care what other people say, which mostly likely is always the case. However, being an outcast dreads me… or worse, being a reject.
Therefore, having known, I had to come up with measures to counter this fear. Unconsciously, I guess I have been doing it. Perhaps, it took me only now to realize that what I have been dong does not in any way alleviate the situation; rather, it just delay the effects. It’ like what I have been doing is like: “I can’t face them now; maybe I’ll just have to face them later or even better, I might just have forget about them.”
Where does this lead to anyway. Avoiding the feeling of rejection is a very cowardly character. It’s like contradicting what being the Immortal-Skirmisher is all about. I just have to say in my defense that it does feel better not being rejected or at least think that everybody accepts me. But I had to wake up, someday – to face reality. I am not really sure if I fully understand this reality, but I am trying my best.
* * * * *
In the end, I just have to apologize to a friend. I don’t know if you’re reading this. Just in case someone reads this, please tell her that it was so stupid of me to stay distant from her after what we’ve been through.
I have been very cold and I know it wasn’t right. I’m terribly sorry… and I miss you. I would want us to be even closer than before, but I don’t know if you are still willing. I guess it would really feel awkward but we could wok on it. I’m really sorry… I did those things to make myself at ease. It’s wasn’t easy for me to be in that situation. I just had to accept it sooner; especially now that you are leaving. I still like you.
* * * * *
But honestly, as long as I can hold on to this, I wouldn’t have to face this fear (right now) for now… If I don’t have to, I won’t… But when the time comes, which I know will, then I’d just have to be prepared.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
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